Everybody Lies

Monday, March 29, 2010

Flying to Bulgaria

One of the joys of working in Eastern Europe is the sense of humour. A rich blend of the absurd & the darkly ironic. An ability to laugh at the comic nature of post-communist life that does not exist in the truly socialist economies of Skandinavia or the Statist perfection of France.

For instance what is the difference between a Russian pessimist & a Russian optimist? A pessimist thinks that things are bad & will always be bad. An optimist thinks things are so bad they can only get better.

My favourite story though is about a naive young lady who was going to Bulgaria on holiday when the Soviet Union was still an Evil Empire. One condition of the exit visa was that she had to prove her health. Similar to todays requirement that I pass AIDS, Syphilis & Chlamydia tests to get a multiple entry business visa. Being a lady this required a trip to the Gynaecologist. Being young & innocent this was her first trip to such a specialist. But she was excited as this examination would lead to her sunny holiday. However as she was naive she didn't know which way round to lie on the examination table & she put her arms where her legs should have gone. This left her in a rather strange "Supergirl" position. And so when the Doctor returned he asked her where she was flying to?

"Bulgaria" she proudly replied.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Answers on a Postcard

It costs less than 8 rubles (25c) to send a postcard 11 time zones from Kaliningrad to Kamchatka. That has to be the cheapest postal service in the world. There are lovely free postcards in Lutch on Bol. Pirogovskaya 27. Simply add a stamp. The headline link leads to a video of the last time I tried to sell stamps in Russia.

If you know a better value stamp contact me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com

Friday, March 26, 2010

Lucky Ducks

While we are on the subject of bird brained ideas I should tell the marvellous magical story of the Novodevichy Ducks.

Once upon a time an important man called the President of the USA gave a statue of some ducks to Russia. They were from a famous story about some ducks which was very popular in his country. In a town call Boston there was a statue of these ducks to celebrate the story. And all the children loved them.

President Bush Senior gave a copy of these ducks to Russia to show peace & friendship between the two countries now that their long cold war was over. Many Russian children now played on these ducks & everyone was happy.

But then one day, many years later when Mr. Bush's son was about to be King, some very bad people stole the ducks. Not the real ducks which paddle in the lake but the statue of the ducks. It was made of a precious metal called Bronze. Now the Moscow children had nowhere to play & everyone was very sad.

Your storyteller called one of his friends & asked if her big rich company would like to pay to replace the ducks. She told me to go forth & multiply with the ducks, although in less words. Her reply actually rhymed with with "Duck" as luck would have it.

But happily another friend from Kimberly-Clark helped to pay for the replacement ducks. He was from Boston & understood how much children loved the ducks. And there was another big party at the lake when the bronze ducks flew back from America.

This time lots of TV cameras came & the smaller client got lots of free press & television coverage that the big nesty client didn't get. So if you go to the Novodevichy Park today you will find the ducks. And everyone lived happily ever after...even the nesty client was forgiven as most clients fail to see an obvious 360 media idea when we present it to them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

CPP = Cost per Penguin

The best idea I never had. When I was Media Director in Poland a colleague went to "Blue Sky" Brainstorm with Danone.

She pointed out that Coke had sponsored the Polar Bear at Warsaw zoo, Nestle had sponsored the Lion but that there were no Penguins for Danone to sponsor. Penguins suited Danone as they had a wee Pingu on their kids yoghurt. Un-fort-un-at-ely the Penguin enclosure was empty as they had all gone from some kind of Bird Flu (sp. flew..?)

So Malgosia suggested that we bring the Penguins back to Warsaw. Danone being French & with a barmy Brit in charge were slightly crazier than us & agreed. We now had a problem...what is the cost per penguin? I called Edinburgh zoo which has the largest Penguin collection in Europe. As I recall I was met with a polite but firm response, "Do you think we're a fucking pet shop."

Eventually we got some Penguins from Gdansk zoo. And we got lots of free PR as the combination of Penguins & Children got even the most cynical journalists interested. To my eternal shame I didn't even go to the opening ceremony. So the greatest media idea in my career wasn't my idea, I didn't help much & I missed the party.

The cost per Penguin? c.$300 which was the same at the CPP on TV in Poland at the time.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The 5 reasons to say No

When I was a student in the USA & I had a crazy idea people would ask me, "How can I help you?" When I was a media planner in the UK people would say, "Why are you doing that?"

In Russia people respond with; "These are the 5 reasons it won't work."

I will give a copy of the book Googled to whoever supplies me with the best client reason for saying no. I have 5 copies to give away. Rejection letters should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com

Why Most Creatives are Dull

Most people who work in media really want to be creatives. Actually most marketing & account people also want to be creatives. The creatives appear to have the best job in the business. They write the ads & get the rewards & recognition.

But it's actually the worst place to work. Firstly because it's very political. If you get the Pirelli brief of course you can produce Cannes winning work. But if you get the Colgate brief you have to produce teeth grindingly bad adaptations. In media we don't care. Colgate can be a fun account with the right Marketing people & Pirelli can be an Italian nightmare.

The continual rejection is the worst part of the creative job. Clients are going to say No to 90% of your ideas. Maybe 99% will never make it to the small screen the way you envisioned. That is heartbreaking for a true creative person.

There are long queues in Moscow at the moment (in sub zero temperatures) for a Picasso exhibition. He didn't have to get his crazy ideas past brand managers, marketing directors & purchasing departments. If he did we wouldn't have his masterpiece Guernica but a postcard of Generalissimo Franco instead. He would have to consider the majority of consumers you understand.

So the creatives that survive years of their ideas being reduced & rejected are inevitably the ones with the thickest skin...or they are a bit thick. Or both.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Washes Whiter - Part 3

The final episode of the Wonderful BBC History of Advertising.

How to reach Children & Teenagers - have to be careful how I phrase that. Questions, Answers...Legal Action should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bonfire of the Vanities

I have thought of a paradigm shift.

The World can now be divided into Facebook people & LinkedIn people. I know which cluster group I prefer.

The headline link leads to a wonderful World War Two on Facebook page - & don't forget that if you click through Mr.Carl Lewis above you will see a $6 million dollar man TV ad.

Vanity Fair

One of the strangest aspects of working in media is our amazing ability to celebrate ourselves.

The Media Department used to be a dull but necessary part of the advertising process. A bit like the Finance Department but without the glamour. Then at some point in the 1980s we were able to convince ourselves & others that we were communication architects & channel planners. So we had to learn how to spell new words like "context" & "amplify."

We still put 90% of our clients money on TV. But now we did it with a new "paradigm" in mind. I met a client once who was worried that 90% of his money was being spent on TV. I had to agree with his concern, it should have been 100%.

To prove our "creative" credentials we have to give ourselves awards (see headline link). As far as I am aware the finance department doesn't receive an Audit of the Year prize or a Most Creative Tax Evasion award. But we can claim a Best use of Radio gong. This is ridiculous. The best use of radio is not to use it at all. Or to buy TV and leave the screen blank.

I am not complaining. I work in Media you see. I am an Moment Architect...and I always wanted to be an Architect. My mum is proud.

It does what it says on the Tin...

The one thing worse than a teaser campaign is a new pack campaign. If you ever feel like doing a new pack commercial do a teaser campaign instead.

Again brand managers spend too long with their products & start to think that the consumer finds them as fascinating as they do. They don't.

So the foolish brand manager wants to share his new pack news as if they had given birth to triplets. They want a new pack ad to announce their arrival in the world. But packs are supposed to work on their own in the shops to attract the attention of grumpy shoppers. Therefore they don't need a separate campaign. It's a waste of money. Cash that could have been spent on building the brand or even on a promotion.

One day a client will ask us to do a teaser campaign for a new pack... oh, we've done it.

Now you would expect packaging agencies to have particulary groovy websites so I have included Claessens Cartils in the headline link. We worked with them in Uzbekistan on a beer launch. I won't say that they were expensive. But their fee to check our locally designed label could have bought 3+ months of TV. They said our label was fine.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Voice of an Angel

It's here...the Wow Idea...& it's...

...A teaser campaign.

Disappointed aren't you.

So is the consumer every time we do one. Teaser campaigns only work for high interest products like movies. See link in the headline.

They don't work for washing powder. It's just lazy or desperate creative thinking. Clients like them because they confuse their high interest in the product with the consumers potential interest.

Dinosaurs coming back to life is interesting, another blade on a Gillette razor isn't. Gillette...now with 11 blades! It's one louder. Slightly more than the Gillette 10 blade razor for a slightly smoother shave.

But there is something worse than a teaser campaign. And it's coming soon....

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Start the Day with a Good Breakfast

Click through for more classic BBC comedy. They really should take advertising though

57 Rules available as a free download

The things I am prepared do to understand new media. I have sacrificed myself at the altar of vanity publishing.

Click the headline for a free download of the new paperback Nobody Knows Anything, the 57 Rules of Media. Or, Stop Spending...Start Thinking.

I got the last piece of advice "Stop Spending, Start Thinking" from President Jean Francois van Boxmeer when he was the head of Zywiec/Heineken in Poland. It was just before he fired Y&R for producing shitty creative work. It wasn't our fault...honest

But he was right though . Our posters were rubbish. He is now the Global Chairman of Heineken Worldwide.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Before I reveal the brilliant media/creative idea I trust you are enjoying the fish on the left.

Insurance company crash data shows that colours are crucial. Red & Yellow are the most visible colours. Boring black cars crash more. White in winter in Russia is practically invisible. That might sound obvious but our bright creatives once made a white poster for white chocolates which went up for in time for Christmas.

So if you are a brainy brand builder your box should be red, or yellow or even both - like Pirelli above. Think about the leading brands in these categories & picture the colour(s) you associate them with; Cigarettes, Chewing Gum, Soft drinks, Toothpaste, Tea, Breakfast cereal, Jeans, Fast Food & Sports Cars. Free copy of "Googled" to whoever can name the brands which fit the above categories - email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com.

Even the most celebrated football team in British history is dressed all in Red. You'll Never Walk Alone.

And in the title of the book by Dr.Suess (rhymes with Voice) the Blue fish comes last. Like Chelsea failing to make progress in the European Cup again last night.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Coming Soon....

....a brilliant creative Wow! fantastic amazing idea. While you are waiting click through the Pirelli poster below for one of the greatest ads of all time or enjoy the fish on the left.

If you can't wait email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com & I'll send you a clue.

Creatures of Habit

We all have our routines. How we get up in the morning, how we get to work/school & which media we enjoy.

I heard a great idea at a media conference, & believe me that is a rare expression..."use different media". I'll repeat for emphasis - use different media. Buy Hello magazine, watch daytime tv, listen to a new radio station & perhaps most importantly use public transport to see the posters as consumers see them.

Yesterday using the Moscow Metro I noticed that the posters on the escalators are parallel (see link in the headline) This makes them difficult to read, even made me a bit travel sick. In London they are smaller & in line with your vision & therefore easier. If someone could persuade the Metro to realign the posters they would be more visible & would help sell more products.

So buy a Metro ticket & take a "Student" tour of Moscow- it's only 26 rubles. And read Hello listening to Jazz FM while you are circling the Circle Line

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Bridge Too Far

William Goldman also adapted Cornelius Ryan's book - A Bridge Too Far.

It is the true story of one of Britain's more embarrassing military disasters. The plan was too complicated and relied on every element working for it to succeed. Miss one bridge & the operation collapses. Which is what happened at Arnhem.

A friend once told me that his client at Procter was an ex-Marine. He would compare media planning to a battlefield. If the enemy has 100 Ratings a week, we buy 200. If they increase to 200 we go up to 300. You get the picture. It's not pretty but it's pretty successful. Complicated plans can be brilliant but they also have more parts to go wrong. Over the longer term simple plans which keep the enemy (competiton) in mind are the most effective & efficient.

Some plans try to be clever & fail like Operation Market Garden (the Bridge Too Far). But Procter is the Red Army of media. They set a target, Berlin say, and they just keep going straight ahead until they reach the Reichstag.

Nobody Knows Anything

William Goldman said "Nobody Knows Anything." He also wrote Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man & the Princess Bride. See the link in the headline for what he meant.

In media, as I hope I have explained, nobody knows anything. What works, what doesn't; long or short commercials; first or last in break; TV or Posters; Print or Radio. I'm not complaining, this lack of a scientific approach has kept me in work for 17 years. Google frightens Media agencies because they are using alogrithms to find the audience. Google is frightened of Facebook. Facebook is scared of Twitter. And somewhere in a garage the next Twitter is being born.

In Media - Nobody Knows Anything

Pitching to Win

We did a 2 day workshop last year which could have been summarised in 3 rules

1. Attract them with knowledge
2. Win on Price
3. Keep them with service

It's Shite being Scottish....

"...And all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference" See link in the headline

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Process NOT a Project

3 more rules I have remembered about the communications business.

You should have a 'process not a project". A project is a one off which won't be repeated. It's similar to a great ad but not a brilliant campaign.

But make sure that the process isn't so complex that it kills the passion. 'Proces Kills Passion"

And don't commit the worst offence of 'Paralysis by Analysis'. There is a reason why analysis starts with the word anal. Otherwise your indecision could be final.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Googled: The End of the World as we know it

If you want a copy of this excellent book on new media please contact me at pgarethbrown@gmail.com. Only 10 quid or 500 rubles

Friday, March 5, 2010

John Webster 1934 - 2006

The Obituary of John Webster in the link above. Written by another advertising genius Winston Fletcher

Washes Whiter - Part 2

Another episode (in the link above) of the wonderful history of homophobia, misogyny & mild racism... or advertising as we sometimes call it. Features the late great John Webster of BMP London - "It's interesting that there are 3 lads as 2 was suspicious... & 4 is too many to get onto a Television screen." Must go & practice my piano playing now so I can get that job in a Brothel I always wanted

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Man Who Walked Around the World

10, 20 or 30 seconds...? Or maybe even a sixty second commercial. Try 6 minutes. A wonderful commercial for Johnnie Walker in the headline link above

Monday, March 1, 2010

Where are the Brands...?

Notice anything strange about the Liverpool shirt on the left...? Or the Brawn racing car...? It's a Naomi Klein fantasy world, there are no logos. Which reminds me of the internet. Lots of fame but no fortune. Millions are googling & using Facebook but they are not seeing brands there.

So is the internet the new Television or the new Telegraph/Telephone...? Like Television, the Telephone was a wonderful Scottish invention... but unlike TV it was never a brilliant tool for brand building.

The headline link leads to the Economist's editorial on the importance of brands

The History of Advertising

The link in the headline should lead you to a wonderful documentary on the history of Advertising - if not then the lawyers at the BBC have sent me a "cease & desist" letter