Smoke & Mirrors in Pirosmani

Was having a lovely lunch in Pirosmani with an old school friend Mr. Ireland one warm Spring in Moscow. Mr. Ireland was over to speak at a conference I'd been forced to organise

The worst job in advertising is pitching for Airline accounts. It's usually Government work so they invite 20 agencies... they re-pitch every year ... & the budget is pathetic & spread over 50 countries.  But if you are ever asked to organise a conference... pitch an Airline instead

Anyway... Pirosmani is a fabulous, & fabulously overpriced, Georgian restaurant. You're paying for the view of the Novodevichy monastery & the fact that both Bill Clinton & Gryff Rhys Jones had khatchapuri there

Before our Tinkali arrived I lit a cigarette ... & before I could enjoy my smoky moment I heard an American voice from the next table

"Oh... You're not going to smoke are you"

I politely pointed out that there was a fire free zone

"Yeah, but it doesn't have the view"

After two sentences I'd heard an inflection in his Yankee accent. So I asked

"You're originally from Eastern Europe... but not Russia"

"Very good kid... I left Romania in  '57" he replied

The third sentence, the smart caustic wit & the deadpan delivery gave me another inkling

"Oy Vey*... you're Jewish as well"

Mr. Ireland thought he was at a Henry Higgins seminar. But it's simply the result of many hours of academic analysis of 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet' instead of learning German

*I may have made that bit up

Dorty Dort in Heringsdorf

https://www.designscene.net/2018/12/magdalena-cielecka-vogue-poland.html



Had dinner with some mature Polish bird a few years ago... we were in Heringsdorf as "she'd be recognised in Świnoujście or Międzyzdroje" 

The 'date' went rapidly South when I suggested a toast to me as it was my birthday in a few hours

She asked how old I would be

I said 44 ... Or Dorty Dort in Turkish

"You look older"

Now my standard, go to line on these occasions would normally be "Fuck You Very Much"

But my 16 year old daughter was sat next to me & I was with Mr & Mrs Squirrel so I didn't want to spoil the mood.  My poor, long suffering daughter had to suffer the long drive back from Peenemünde to Żółwia Błoć with her demented father trying to think of a better response...

It finally came to me recently...

"Mr Squirrel tells me you're an acclaimed actress... Can you act nice...?"

I'm not the type to name names... so we'll just call her Magda C

Beware of the Krysha (roof) ...!

This is a story I've never told ... It's too damaging

We used to rent our office from the Pushkin Museum in Moscow. During the crisis of 1998 we 'renegotiated' our rent.  We bribed the 'landlady' $10,000 to reduce it

So instead of the Pushkin receiving a decent rent... some nomenklatura/apparatchik witch had a holiday in Dubai ... or somewhere equally awful beloved by Muscovites

This meant that the building was gradually falling to pieces ~ as no 'remont' ever occurred

A few years later our great leader & inspiration, Dmitry Tvatovitch* Yedneral was sitting listening to Whale songs ...or something irritatingly similar ... when some Gips hit his head...

... the Krysha had fallen in

And if you know Russian, you'll know that Krysha is slang for mafia protection. That money we paid,   in full & on time ... every month

*or whichever patronymic he's using this week

The Russians took Pencils into Space

https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/apollo/50-years-later-the-pen-that-saved-apollo-11

Which is why they never landed on the moon... & lost the Cold War

They built the Berlin Wall to stop people leaving... & they took it down, to stop people leaving