The Roulette of Russian Reading

Russians don't read newspapers much. Which is a pity.

Not because reading newspapers is good for you. Quite the opposite. In most countries the biggest selling papers are the downmarket tabloids; The Sun in Britian, Bild in Germany & Fakt in Poland. And Russians do read. I am always amazed by how many people have electronic readers on the metro. So they are reading books instead.

It is a pity because buying daily newspapers is the most fun you can have as a media buyer. Especially on a Friday afternoon. Because on Friday the papers are "closing" three editions; Saturday, Sunday & Monday. So Friday afternoon is when they start dropping the rates for pages. Any client with a short-term budget can pick up bargains.

As a print buyer you first prepare yourself by going for a long liquid lunch. This is to steel your nerves before the buying frenzy of the afternoon ahead. Then if you want to look impressive you get two phones on your desk to make you feel like a commodoties trader.

Then you let the fun begin. As the minutes tick by until 6pm the prices start to drop. I once got a page in the Times for $10,000 when the normal rate was around $25,000. Even the Zenith print department was a fun place to work on at this time, and the fact that it was Friday helped as well.

But the most fun I ever had was when I was booking colour page spreads for AT&T. I had a budget of $750,000 and it came down to the Telegraph vs. The Sunday Times. It was winner takes all. And the best thing was that the rep from the Times was married to the rep from the Telegraph.

I gave it to the Times. They had a lower Cost per Thousand. Plus they promised me tickets to the Fleadh, the annual Irish music festival in London where Van Morrison was playing.

The Appliance of Science

Brilliant cinema commercial for fags in the headline link.

One of the people responsible was Mike Cozens who was later the creative director at Y&R London. What I loved about Mike was that the media planning was done by the creative department.

Account planning might recommend magazines, the suits would suggest TV & media research would highlight the role of radio. But the creatives would come up with a big cinema ad supported by posters.

So the media was decided by whichever creative idea was the strongest. Brilliant. This meant that we did posters & cinema for all sorts of products that wouldn't normally consider these media. Sugar Puffs cereal, Pirelli tyres & Colgate toothpaste to name a few.

The problem with using stupid computers & dodgy research to decide media is that it doesn't take account of the role of creative. The most important part of the process.

Life, the Universe & Everything

When I was a teenager I was looking for a place at University in London. I only wanted to study in London. Both my parents had attended University there & after growing up in Edinburgh anywhere else in the UK would have been boring.

I went to stay with a friend of my mother who had a flat close to the centre. She was a friendly Australian lady & everything was wonderful. One night her daughter came to see her. We were all sitting in the kitchen while her daughter was telling us about how her husband Douglas was renovating the house. Douglas was putting a swimming pool in the basement. I began to wonder who the hell this "Douglas" was?

I found out later that evening that "Douglas" was Douglas Adams, the author of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. A book that was the Harry Potter of it's day. And Adams was the JK Rowling. Hitchhiker's Guide was "a trilogy of 5 books" that sold over 15 million copies in his lifetime. I had read them all & watched the TV series. And now I was sitting with his wife discussing his swimming pool.

Those that know his books will understand that this blog could easily have been called the 42 rules of media. The answer to the ultimate question of what is the meaning of life, the universe & everything.

The World's Top 100 Brands

According to my Uncle Millward.... :) Simply click through the blue headline

Procter Gambling with YouTube Viewers

The evil P&G are very active on YouTube. Frequently when I want to watch a music video I have to suffer one of their commercials first.

This raises two questions. Firstly is it wise to annoy consumers in this way. Interrupting TV programmes is acceptable as TV is a passive media. But the internet is active & therefore I am irritated every time I have to wait 30 seconds to see my selection. Also Procter ads are effective but dull so it's doubly annoying.

Secondly P&G are paying YouTube who are owned by Google. Is Google paying Led Zeppelin when they put an awful ad in front of their music? Led Zeppelin famously never released singles & have only rarely allowed their music to be used in films & adverts. I doubt they would be pleased to find ads for the new Gillette 11 blade razor shaving close to their performance.

The Rise & Fall of Y&R

I started my media career with Zenith in London. However I only lasted a year in their miserable office until I was lured by the lucre of Y&R.

It was at this famous private American agency that I spent my formative years. Two in London & three in Warsaw. What little I know about the business I know from them. It was a great place to work. Big & rich with a wonderful history, the place where Beanz Meanz Heinz was created. The London office also made no money. Not a sausage. But being a private business this didn't seem to matter too much.

I joined them at their nadir... the opposite of Zenith who were the biggest in London at the time. But a few years earlier Y&R was famously run by John Banks. Apparently upon winning a major account without a pitch he announced that he would honour any expense submitted before 12 noon the following day. People could, and did, go to the best restaurants in town. One person even went to Paris for the night.

Even in our poor years we still enjoyed a lavish lifestyle. There were sports cars in the parking lot which you could take for the weekend. There was the gym in the building built with the profits of the the "Tell Sid" Campaign. And we all went to Paris for our Christmas lunch 1994 as we had won the Eurostar account. We were even winning business again, notably Ford, by producing brilliant ads like the one in the headline link.

When I was Media Director in Poland we were visited by Alex Kroll, the legendary head of the company. His family were originally from Poland so he always took a strong interest in our region, even opening an office in Moscow as early as 1989. He made a wonderful speech to the company about children & the future.

He also made it clear that the secret of Y&R's success was that it was private.

Peter Georgescu, a Romanian American, took over from Kroll in 1994. He took Y&R public in 1998 and WPP bought them in 2000.

It hasn't been the same since.

Radio Monte Carlo - 102.1 FM

As a media buyer I hate radio. Terrible medium for building brands. But as a consumer I love it.

And I can honestly say that my favourite station is Radio Monte Carlo in Moscow. Because you never know what is going to come next. This morning they played Pink, then Istanbul/Constantinople; some Chris Rea obviously, a dreadful Italian song, some Frog bollocks.... then some 70's disco and finally some Eurotrash rock.

It is the perfect eclectic station. In developed markets they use computers to decide the playlist. And it's the same crap repeated every hour. Even in Moscow Europa+ will play the same 20 songs over & over until the vinyl wears out. But Monte Carlo has the perfect random selection.

You don't appreciate the songs you love unless they are preceded by the songs you hate.

Is IKEA fascist...?

A few weeks ago I was having breakfast with Jonathan Margolis from the Financial Times. I mentioned an article about IKEA that I had read years ago in his paper about the founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad, being a Nazi. Jonathan happily mentioned that he had written the article in question.

He kindly sent it to me as it is sadly it is not available on the internet. In the piece Margolis writes that Ingvar Kamprad, the I.K. of IKEA, was associated with "a variety of fascist movements in the 1940s & 1950s."

Margolis then asks the question, if Hitler had won, "would Kamprad's innate decency... have stopped him from using slave labour to make IKEA furniture?"

This question was answered in the Daily Telegraph on September 5th; "IKEA used political prisoners as slave labour in the GDR." See headline link for details. If you want the full FT story of IKEA's fascist roots simply write to me at pgarethbrown@gmail.com

Communication Breakdown

Google allows me to see which countries are looking at my scribbling. And there are some pretty bizzare places.

Someone in Sudan was even reading this. I assume that this is just a search mistake & they were looking for something about Heinz baked beans.... the inspiration for the number 57. I could have used 42, the meaning of life from Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.

But if anyone in Sudan wants to know more about media feel free to get in touch via pgarethbrown@gmail.com. And speaking of communication our IT geniuses have completely bolloxed up our email, so I have a new survey to see how important email is for staying in touch.

The Greatest Train Journey in the World

Click through the headline for a great ad about the East coast main line from London to Edinburgh. Berwick-upon-Tweed isn't at war with Russia sadly... I checked. But it's a lovely story.

Fear of Flying

When I was young & foolish I did a couple of parachute jumps. The first one is the hardest.

The training takes two days before you are allowed to jump. And the instructors use the same technique employed by the army in the first world war. They shout a lot, telling you to do things which you don't want to do. Stand up, sit down, get in the door.... GO! So when they tell you to go over the top, you just do it. Your brain has stopped functioning. Your body just obeys their commands.

Then you board the aircraft. As I recall there were about 15 of us. I was number eight which was perfect. You don't want to be the first or the last. They tell you to stand up, you stand. They tell you to "get in the door", you get in the door. They tell you to GO... and you jump. Into nothing but thin air, relying on a big piece of cloth to save you from plunging to your certain death. It's great fun.

But there is one drawback. The next time you board a commercial flight you don't have a parachute. Instead you have a life-jacket with a bleeding whistle. That might be reassuring when you are crossing the Pacific or Atlantic. But when you are flying to Almaty from Moscow, over thousands of miles of hard land, & only the shrinking sea of Aral to splash into... it's hardly comforting.

Krzysiek Sakho R.I.P.

Another great loss this year...

Elephants or Hippopotami...?

The commercial in the headline link was a classic. But a friend of mine was living with 2 engineering students when it was broadcast. They objected to the use of an Elephant as a unit of measurement. Hardly scientific they thought. Could be a big elephant, could be a small elephant; could be African, could be Indian - the ears make all the difference.

I'd forgotten this until I was up the CN Tower in Toronto this summer. The tower enjoys a glass floor one can walk on. 500 metres in the air. It's a spooky experience.

You are comforted by the fact that the glass can withstand heroic weights. But instead of using elephants for their measurements they use hippopotamuses. The transparent stuff can take 14 apparently. Again you ask yourself - are these big happy hippos or small hippopotami...?

Hardly scientific.

Wigan Wheels

The funniest man in the World is my mate Jamie.

At Polytechnic in London, where we met, he was on the bus that took students to the Underground station. An American exchange student Gordy got on the bus in full national costume; Timberlands, knee length shorts, plaid shirt, baseball hat, ray-bans & small backpack.

Jamie asked him in his friendly Sheffield accent, "Off to Buckingham Palace Gordon?"

Gordon still hasn't forgiven him.

Years later Jamie was deep in debt from his student days so he did what any wise Yorkshireman would do.... and bought a second hand Maserati in Wigan. He informed me that this was a sound financial investment as it would help him in his search for a wife. "I've had the front strengthened, as the women keep bouncing off it."

I made a deal with Jim. I would lend him several thousand pounds on the condition that he sell the motor. He reluctantly agreed. The next time we met he arrived in a Nissan Micra, "me Uncle died & I inherited it" was his explanation for the sexy new wheels.

I thought that this was the end of the Wigan Maserati tale but there was more. Much more.

A couple of years later James was working in New York... still searching for a bride. He left me for a couple of days while he went to Las Vegas for a conference. Being a fiscally prudent person he told me that he'd read a book & knew how to beat the casinos. He even left me the book. I read it.

Apparently if you have a team of mathematically gifted MIT students you can count the cards & work out the statistical probability at Blackjack. With massive financial backing you can play knowing when the deck of cards is in your favour. Over time you will beat the system. A single Yorkshireman from Middlesex Poly isn't able to repeat this trick. Jamie lost $500.

But while he was away a female friend of Jim's arrived & told me the final installment of the Wigan Wheels. James had sold said Motor to a gentlemen in one of the less salubrious parts of London who went by the name of Saddam Osama Gaddafi or similar.

A friend of Jim's heard about this & decided this was ripe for exploitation. He called Jamie and pretended to be Mr. Hussein, the new owner of the fine Italian car. Jamie's flatmate took the call. Jamie's friend said that there were problems with the car. Jamie told her to tell him that he wasn't in.

But then Jim realised that he couldn't hide so he called the real Mr.Hussein. He got his answering machine, so Jamie left a message saying that he was sorry for the problems & that he would sort it out.

Then Jamie's friend called back to say that he was winding Jamie up before.

And then, inevitably, the real Mr. Hussein called asking why Jamie had left a message about "problems with the car"

As my father always said... never buy a second hand Italian Sports car in Lancashire & sell it to a Muslim in the East End.

Why I haven't learnt Russian

I have been working in Russia for more than 10 years off & on. And the question I have heard more than any other is "Why don't you speak Russian?"

I have several excuses. Firstly I arrived just in time for the financial crash of 1998. Unfortunately this meant that I had to cancel my lovely lessons to save cash. This was a pity as they reminded me of all the joy I had struggling to learn German at school. I told my teacher Nina that if she could teach me jokes I would be more motivated. She thought I was joking.

Secondly I never imagined that I would still be here a decade later. I therefore only learnt restaurant & taxi Russian.

But thirdly & most crucially Russian is difficult to learn. It's not an especially hard language like Arabic or Mandarin Chinese. It is simply no fun to speak.

I have spoken French in France, German in Germany, Polish in Poland and Turkish in Turkey... and I can honestly state that speaking Russian in Russia is a miserable experience. Russians constantly correct you. They also fail to understand you if you make the simplest mistake in accent. This is in contrast to Ukraine, where most people understand Ukrainian even if they don't speak it. In Kiev if you mix Polish with Russian/Ukrainian you will be understood... and they will appreciate the fact that you are trying. In Moscow the usual response to my attempts to communicate are met with - "why do you speak with a pre-Baltic accent?" or "Why do you speak like a stupid Kazakh?"

Turkish was the easiest to speak. So few tourists learn even a few simple phrases that any Turkish is met with astonishment & joy. This only makes you want to learn & speak more.

I was once asked by a group of colleagues at a conference why I didn't speak Russian. I pointed out that they had been in the Netherlands for 3 days & had failed to learn the Dutch for "Thank you."

Lament for the Radio Ad Jungle

I have always made the point that nobody ever sends radio ads to their friends. But this morning I broke the rule.... although it was a Philips ad from 1982, the most recent brilliant radio commercial - see BBC article in the headline link if you want to hear it.

A Fable of Failure

I read a brilliant book this summer; Adapt - Why success always starts with failure by Tim Harford. In the book Mr. Harford argues that most successful ideas had to struggle through years of rejection, humiliation & condemnation until they adapted & finally succeeded.

This reminded me of my long painful journey to get Russians to send postcards. It's been 6 years of heartache. The original idea was from Sweden. The idea was to have beautiful free postcards available in the trendiest bars & restaurants. To stop clients from turning the cards into marketing briefs there was a simple rule - the logo has to go on the back. This is actually better for the client as their brand will appear next to a personal message from the sender to the recipient. The idea was so brilliant that it soon spread to London, Barcelona & other cities.

But when it came to Moscow it was immediately ruined by marketing people who insisted that their logo go on the front - turning a lovely postcard into an ugly ad.

6 years ago I was sitting in a bar, as I sometimes do, waiting for a late client - as I always do, when I realised there was an easy way to improve this medium. Add a stamp. As Russia is a rather large country & stamps are cheap this was the media opportunity of a lifetime. I checked in the office and it turned out that stamps for postcards were less than 4 rubles - around 20c at the time.

We launched the idea in Cafe Mania (see film in the headline link) and then I waited for the creative agencies to bring me their wonderful ideas.... and waited.... and waited. Nothing happened.

For the last 6 years I've been trying to sell this idea to clients & creatives with no success. But then a friend pointed out that we should use the internet to 'crowd source' the project. So I established a group on Facebook and waited for the marvellous images to appear.... and waited...and waited.

We have 10 places available. So far by bribing & threatening people I've managed to gather seven decent images. I still have 3 places free. It was easier getting penguins in the zoo in Poland than putting postcards (with stamps) in bars in Russia.

Today the cost of a stamp for a postcard in Russia, to travel from Central Europe to near Alaska & Japan, has risen dramatically to 10 rubles, or 30c.

Long Way Round

Click on the headline to see Ewan McGregor singing U2's 'Running to Stand Still' while circling the globe on a motorbike. If you haven't seen 'Long Way Round' contact me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com & I'll sell you a copy for only 750 rubles.

Miracle on the Bosphorus

Posted a lot of old adverts here & quite a few music & movie clips but I've rarely posted Sports videos. That is quite an omission as Sport is crucial in media. Something Murdoch always understood; you can't timeshift Sports.

The headline link leads to the highlights of the greatest night of my life. When Liverpool won their 5th European cup after being 0-3 down at half-time. This fifth victory allowed Anfield to keep the trophy forever.

For me the event was particularly miraculous as several bizarre coincidences led to the moment of triumph. The great English novelist David Lodge noted that coincidences happen all the time in life but are not allowed in fiction. He also observed that fiction is all about sex & less about children; life is the other way around.

In 2004 I had been visiting my great friend & favourite client in Paris where he was terminally ill. I had treated myself to first class on the Eurostar train for the journey. As the train pulled out of Gare du Nord for my return trip the bag of the lady opposite fell down, nearly hitting me. She said "sorry" to which I replied "don't worry... I'm not American.. I won't sue you." She laughed and said in a clear New York accent "yeah, we're really bad now aren't we." First coincidence.

Thus began our brief encounter. I moved to sit next to her as we were getting along so famously. Being first class we had lunch together on the train & then shared a taxi once we arrived in London. It transpired that she was the literary agent of Dennis Lehane, the writer of Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone & Shutter Island.

A year or so later my new American literary friend asked me if I could do her a favour & meet Dennis while he was doing a book tour in Poland. This was like asking me if I could 'do her a favour' & meet Van Morrison, Kenny Dalglish or Sir Sean Connery. We agreed that I would join Dennis for a few jars at the Kempinski hotel in Warsaw on the 2nd April 2005. I took my Ukrainian-American friend Ed Assarabowski along with me in case it turned out that Mr. Lehane was the introverted lonely writer type. I needn't have worried as Dennis was Boston Irish & was blessed with the gift of the gab.

Mr. Lehane wasn't in his room when we arrived at the hotel so we thought we would wander down the street to the main church where the vigil was being held for the dying Polish Pope, Karol Jozef Wojtyla. Within minutes of our arrival the Pope died. Second coincidence.

We returned to the hotel, located Mr. Lehane & spent a marvellous evening discussing the wonderful Pope, working with Clint Eastwood and the Beantown based TV show 'Cheers.'

Three weeks later Liverpool were in the final of the European Cup, a minor miracle in itself. As every football fan knows we were losing 0-3 at half time to Berlusconi's AC Milan. But during the break it was our supporters who were singing the loudest.

Perhaps thanks to the extraordinary rendition of "You'll Never Walk Alone" our team was inspired to score 3 goals in 6 minutes. This forced extra time. In the dying seconds Andriy Shevchenko went clear, one on one, with Jerzy Dudek our Polish keeper. Dudek blocked the first shot but was faced with a second at point-blank range. Somehow he raised a hand & the ball went flying upwards to safety.

In the penalty shoot-out it came down to Shevchenko vs. Dudek for the third time in 10 minutes. Dudek saved again & Liverpool were Champions. Dudek later credited the Pope, who was also a goalkeeper, with the miracle of the double save. Coincidence number three.

I found out later that my friend Stephane had lost his long battle with cancer at around the time of the match. Coincidence number four.

I am not a religious person but 4 major coincidences does suggest a miracle. Or perhaps David Lodge is on the wiser side of statistics.

Campaign Madness

First they slowed down Motorhead.... now they've Froggy-fied Madness (see headline link) Ladies & Gentlemen.... a campaign is born. Let us pray that they can persuade Bob Dylan to cover Making your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz.

The Big Easy

I haven't mentioned Jill Blenkinsopp for a while & I feel that is remiss of me. As keen readers will know Miss B was the main target for my imaginative wind-ups. But if she wasn't available I would sharpen my skills with media owners.

Admittedly this was a poor substitute as media owners are selling to buyers & will therefore put up with a lot of grief whilst trying to hawk their wares.

My boss James Whitmore would take them to McDonald's on Camden high street if they wanted "lunch". I wouldn't go that far but I would find inappropriate locations depending on the rep involved. Our representative for the Radio Times was a classic chintzy "twin set & pearls" type so I took her to a Rastafarian cafe in Notting Hill.

My favourite ruse though was when a client sent me a bottle of Jack Daniels for Christmas. This was a 1.5 litre optic normally used in bars. When I met with media reps I would offer them the option of "tea, coffee.... or JD." They were always shocked by this choice & politely declined.

I would then say, "you don't mind if I have one do you" as I took the giant flask from my desk.

Quantum of Solace

Possiby the worst Bond film & certainly the worst title. But this song (link in headline) "Solace of You" by Living Colour is probably the greatest song that wasn't a major hit. Is it because they is too colourful...? Or is the word "Solace" a curse...?

Let My Love Open The Door

A quick music break between posts. Click on the headline.

Copywriting is nothing without great Art Direction

There was an Art Director at Y&R called Graeme Norways who would travel up from Cornwall every week to think up brilliant posters. These included the Pirelli "Carl Lewis in high heels" at the bottom of the page & the Hush Puppies dogs series.

By bizarre co-incidence the inspiration for the Hush Puppies work was the Russian-American photographer Elliott Erwitt; the man who overheard Krushchev say to Nixon, "go fuck my grandmother."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2003/dec/27/photography

Soviet Advertising in the headline link

How the Cold War was won ;) The West had better consumer goods. Or as Nikita Sergeyevich Krushchev allegedly said to Nixon in 1959 on seeing a 'typical' American kitchen; "Go fuck my grandmother!" See wikipedia "Kitchen Debate" for more details

Pink Ponies

No Mr Brown I expect you to die....

One weekend in Kyiv a client invited me to his house for lunch. Instead of living in the centre he had rented a large house outside the city on an island in the Dnipro.

Everything was wonderful until his landlord joined us. His landlord owned the whole island and he was a German gentleman who made you want to bomb Dresden all over again. I mentioned "samogon" and Herr Goldfinger said that he had his own distillery & proceeded to have some brought to our table by his lackeys.

He then insisted on telling me the story of how he acquired the island and how he had his own private fire brigade. He asked me if I wanted a demonstration, I politely declined; he called them anyway. Within minutes a big red Soviet fire truck appeared and started to unravel hoses until Herr Gelbfisch told them to halt.

We then moved to his house, which was a Bond villain's monstrosity of glass & steel. He had a 5-a- side football pitch in the grounds & a riverside bar. He insisted on showing us his harbour where he kept a collection of ridiculous boats. The afternoon was getting more surreal by the hour. After playing football & nearly drowning in the river we went for a jaunty ride on one of his speed boats. This makes you realise why rich people are not happy. They buy these toys and then don't understand why bouncing around on the waves doesn't make them happier. Although I have to say that I felt much happier when I got back to dry land.

We then dined at his personal "private"restaurant. By this point I had been drinking for most of the day. Herr Goldberg insisted that I finish my vodka with every toast, "trinken, trinken" he shouted.

I'd had enough. I got up and left. I was banned from the Island.

My finest hour

I grew up in Edinburgh. I went to one of the best local primary schools, Dean Park in Balerno.

But when I was eleven I had to go to the big school, Currie High. The building was forbidding, the teachers were a bottle of alcoholics and the dinners were disgusting. A friend of mine, Duffy, was rude about the meat pies to the dinner lady. These were a concoction that Sweeney Todd would think twice about serving to the public.

Mrs. Fletcher, a formidable lady comparable to the Trunchbull in Matilda, decided to organise a witch-hunt. She came to our music lesson and singled out poor Duffy. He was told to stand in front of the class to answer for his crime. Fletcher then asked if any amongst us had also been rude about the pies.

This was my Spartacus moment. My chance to stand alongside my friend. We all knew that the pies were unfit for purpose. Pathetically I did nothing. It's my greatest regret.

But years later at college I had a chance to redeem myself. The Student Union had put forward a motion that we should sponsor a South African student. Everyone agreed with this fine act. I had marched against Apartheid that summer in London.

But they had no oppostion. And the meeting was not quorate. They had to run around the college grounds dragging people to the meeting to get the required 10% of the student body to pass the motion. They proposed the motion. Then they asked if anyone would speak against it.

I stood up. I was shaking. But I knew that I had to speak against the fact that they had no opposition. There were cries of "Fascist" and "Nazi" as I walked to the podium.

Somehow I managed to say a few words about how the English legal system always required an opposition. In the Hollywood version of my life I will be played by Morgan Freeman and I will be calm & eloquent. In reality I was probably as loquacious as Colin Firth in the King's Speech.

But I did it. I had my Spartacus moment.

Edinburgh...Proud Town

I used to share an office with a Ukrainian-American called Ed. He always protested that he was Polish-American but as both his parents were born in what is now Ukraine he was clearly Ukrainian.

We hired him because he spoke all the languages of the region. Russian, Polish & German...plus his English wasn't bad either. So he was equally useless in a multi-lingual way. But he did know a lot of people. And like a child with stray animals he was always bringing them to our "home" on ulica Madalinskiego.

One day he brought a very strange couple. They looked like living versions of Ken & Barbie. He was Californianski with golden hair, perfect teeth and expensive skin. She was a Polish model of exquisite beauty & seemingly little brain. I don't even know why Ed brought them to our ad agency. But he soon left me alone with them while he went to make coffee.

"Ken" started talking to me while "Barbie" sat there practicing her beauty.

"Where are you from?" he asked
"Scotland" I replied
"Which city?" he enquired
"Edinburgh" I answered

"Proud town" he exclaimed in his deep & deeply pretentious voice, and then repeated with greater emphasis, "Proud town"

I had to leave the room as I was starting to laugh. But he's right, Edinburgh is a proud town.

Warszawa nicht Warschau

When I was in Poland I was visited by an arrogant little German gentleman called Christopher Schumacher.

He was selling media space in Axel Springer or G&J or Bauer. During our meeting he kept talking about "Warschau this & Warschau that & Warshau the other." This was irritating me as we went to War so that it wouldn't be called Warschau. So I said in my poor school Deutsch.

"Entschuldigen Sie - es ist nicht genannt Warschau seinen Namen Warszawa - you lost."

One has to do these things - after all they bombed me Granny.

The Fear of Godbeer

My biggest international client in Poland was Polgate Calmolive. It's quite a simple account as it's all household products and you just buy a lot of TV.

Everything was fine the first couple of years. But then a new German GM arrived. In our first meeting he said that as most of our creative work was adaptations we would have to be clever with our media strategy. He suggested that we get the Global Media Director to come to Warschau. As Charles Courtier once told me when the world isn't big enough they go global.

Hearing that Roger E Godbeer is coming is like an escaped convict hearing the baying of the bloodhounds. It's like the Inquistion coming to your media monastery. The Canadian client service director gave me an evil leer as we left the meeting, I started to tremble.

The thing was we had been buying TV using diary ratings, not peoplemeter. We were also spot buying. Any half-wit marketing director would realise that the numbers were wrong given that in every market where we had switched from diary to electronic measurement there was a 40% drop in ad viewing. Also people always over-estimated their viewing to larger channels. Clever clients would buy 100% Polsat in Poland. But Mito Chanalo was less than a half-wit. We bought natural delivery which is the stupidest way to purchase airtime.

As we were spot-buying with diary ratings there was no point doing post-buying analysis. We would send Polgate a list of spots, they would approve them, and we would buy the spots they wanted. Any post-buy would simply be a case of, "remember those spots you approved...we bought them."

Godbeer arrived a few weeks later. I believe the polite phrase is that he "ripped me a new arsehole." For 2 days I had to go through every plan, campaign by campaign, week by week, day by day. "Why weren't we buying ratings?" he demanded. "Why were we using so much Polsat when it was only 15% of viewing?" he thundered. "Why weren't we achieving our KPIs and and CPTs and CPPs and PBAs and other TLAs" (three word acronyms)

I got a 15 page summary of my incompetence. I believe I achieved the record as the Worst Media Director in Polgate history. I landed in Moscow to work for Initiative a few months later.

Stop Spending.....Start Drinking

When I got to Y&R Poland our biggest "local" client was Heineken who had bought Poland's largest brewer Zywiec. They used to send us a free barrel of beer every Friday.

There was only one problem, it was illegal to advertise alcohol in Poland. Most brewers got around this by advertising non-alcoholic beer. Heineken/Zywiec didn't want to do this so we had a white box with Zywiec written on the side. There was no image of beer & so this didn't break the law. It also didn't sell very much beer.

Then a new President of Zywiec arrived in Poland. He was a very tall handsome Belgian and had come from Heineken in Africa. Even his name was large, President Jean Francois Van Boxmeer. He had apparently learnt 3 local languages in Africa & the rumour was that he learnt Polish in 3 months. He was clearly a very bright & capable man.

He saw our shitty creative work and told us to come up with some campaigns that were beer-ish not box-ish. We presented him our work a few weeks later at a very nervous meeting. Our creative director started to shakily show him the work.

After a few weak ideas were shown President Jean Francois Van Boxmeer used simple English to get his point across, "Stop Spending...Start Thinking" he said. We nodded in agreement at his wise words & wrote them down.

We showed a couple more poor campaigns. The large President said with more emphasis, "Stop Spending... Start Thinking." We underlined his earlier words.

We got halfway through the next average ad when Van Boxmeer stated loudly, "STOP SPENDING, START THINKING."

I looked across at the Client Service Director & mouthed the words, "We're fired."

The beer stopped arriving within a fortnight & we were quite rightly fired within a month. Today Jean Francois Van Boxmeer is the Chairman of Heineken Worldwide. To use his method of repetition to get a point across, he was clearly a very bright and capable man.

Around the World in a Day

A decade ago I wanted a Coke machine for the office. They are apparently free if your staff drink enough of the sugary stuff. I asked every few weeks "where is my Coke machine?"

Eventually the office manager wrote me a marvellous email;

1. Giving Coca Cola a square metre of floor space free of charge is against article 575 of the civil code
2. Sub-letting or sub-leasing without the landlord's consent is against article 615 - have you met our landlady Gareth...?
3. There is a risk of tax inspectors as we are operating without an official cash register
4. Selling soft drinks counts as retail trade in foodstuffs & therefore means potential trouble from fire inspections & sanitary, medical & trading standards

I thought that this was hilarious and so sent it to my friend at the Economist. He agreed that it was Kafkaesque & asked if they could publish it. One day later it was in the Economist (see headline link) which enjoys a global circulation of 1 Million+ and a readership of 3 Million+

Top Gay Songs

New survey...what is your favourite Gay song? See link in the headline & survey on the left

First I was afraid...I was petrified

Several years ago we were told that each agency had to make a performance at the Summer Party. My trusty Tatar friend Lilia Fakhrutdinova groaned at the prospect. Being of a sunnier disposition I suggested that we "perform" Y.M.C.A. I had taught Miss Fakhrutdinova the dance moves in Kyiv at a delightful restaurant/disco/bordello we had visited.

Lilia was happy to give me the brief. First I had to find the music... which gave me a wonderful morning out of the office searching the shops on Stary Arbat. Then I organised auditions. I got all the boys in the conference room & showed them the moves...see link in the headline. I then did the same with the ladies. As I am not a qualified choreographer I recruited our attractive receptionist Julia who was the best dancer to improve the routine.

It was going to be an expensive production. We bought some Russian Navy T-shirts for the boys and I told the ladies to wear white T-Shirts. Everyone was to wear blue jeans.

The summer party was going to be on a bloody boat. When I got there I noticed in horror that it was called the Felix Dzerzhinsky... the founder of the KGB. I nearly refused to board. But then I realised that I was going to perform a gay classic and get a hundred Russians dancing along. We were dancing on Stalin's grave.

And I always sing "I will survive" at agency karaoke events.

Something in the Water...

Years ago I realised that to save time and money it was easier to meet clients en masse. But it did have one potential problem... they might talk to each other.

Once we had to cancel some posters for a big beer client & we gave them to a tobacco client instead. When they met Mr.Piwo said to Mr.Fag, "Oh, you're the man who took my posters."

Another time I arranged dinner with the Economist with the General Mangers of several major companies. Unfortunately this was the same time that Georgiy Gongadze was killed. My Economist friend was flying to Kyiv instead of coming to dinner. I was left with several GMs and no journalist. To make it worse one of the GMs had been sent to Russia because he got a colleague's wife pregnant. Another GM knew this and asked him, "did you bring any family with you?"

Later when I was working in Kyiv I invited the GM's of Danone & Nestle for dinner. They were both French speakers so I thought that everything would go swimmingly. It did until the waitress offered us water. Vittel (Nestle) or Evian (Danone) were the options.

I chose Evian. Nestle had fired us in an international pitch.

When Filip met Inez....

Years ago we won the Danone media business for Russia. This is how it happened.

Firstly the Marketing Director for Poland was in Moscow. He stayed in my apartment as we were friends from my time in Warsaw. He introduced me to the Russian Marketing Director.

I then had dinner with the MD in a grotty bar that was famous for it's strong drinks & loose women. However it was -30 centigrade that night and my poor driver in his trusty Volga was freezing outside. So he decided to warm up for a while by coming inside. I was trying to impress the MD with my yoghurt knowledge when a frozen Volodya joined us for a cup of coffee. I hoped that this would demonstrate my intimate understanding of the average Russian consumer. The MD thought it was very strange & we didn't get a pitch.

But a year later there was a new Marketing Director who was an old friend from Unilever. He told me to get in touch with the General Manager Filip Kegels. I started my usual practice of sending Mr.Kegels an Economist article every Friday. I tried calling, I tried writing... but could never get hold of him.

Then one weekend I was at the Moscow country club with my daughter. We were in the Sports bar with another young family who were speaking French. My troublesome two year old stumbled over to steal the Francais Fries from their table. I had to go over to stop this brazen theft.

I noticed that the handsome young man had a Danone Sports bag so I asked him if he worked for the company.

"Oui" he replied.
"Are you in Sales or Marketing?" I enquired.
"I am ze General Manager!" he said with a smile
"You must be Filip Kegels"
"And you must be ze man who sends me these stupid articles every week"

We got our pitch. Which we won easily as the team from Y&R was 4 hours late for their presentation.

News just in.... Sex Sells

Also a sense of humour helps. See link in the headline for a wonderful ad we did at Y&R.

A bit sexist...but then there is nothing wrong with being sexy. It was immediately banned by the TV stations of course which gave us lots of free PR.

Motorhead...& Making your mind up

Motorhead was the first concert I ever went to. It was 2 hours of ear-splitting noise. Recently someone in London had the brilliant idea of getting Lemmy to slow down "Ace of Spades" for a beer commercial. See link in the headline.

Years ago we used to amuse ourselves by imagining Frank Sinatra singing swing versions of Motorhead songs ...or even better "Whole Lotta Rosie" by AC/DC. Other greats would be Tom Waits doing the Wombles theme or Morrissey doing "I wanna be like you" from the Jungle book.

But the greatest would be Bob Dylan singing Bucks Fizz. With Dylan's sandpaper & glue voice the words would sound significant & deeply philosophical. "You've gotta speed it up, you've gotta slow it down...cos if you believe that a love can hit the top, you've gotta play around. And then you will find. There comes a time. For making your mind up."

Just Say No...

...to Airlines & Tourist boards. They are always a nightmare. The budget may appear large but it is spread across 100+ countries & is therefore tiny in each market. And Tourist boards are usually Government organisations so they have hellish bureaucracy & call a pitch every year.

Other clients to avoid if possible are local clients in Eastern Europe. These tend to be organisations that did not hear the Berlin Wall fall. They make the Byzantine Empire look like a model of efficiency & transparency. Their indecision is final.

I once had a pitch meeting with a Russian mineral water company. I didn't want to win it as we already had Nestle & Danone. I also had a bad experience with a local drink company in Poland.

Admittedly our presentation wasn't perfect. The client service director suggested print, the creative director showed some posters & I had a vision....television. We didn't win the business. The client thought that we didn't show "teamwork." A strange conclusion. I thought we demonstrated a remarkable ability to work across different media.

I was in trouble with the suits. But I offered the humble opinion that if their company was any good it would be bought by Nestle or Danone.

Nestle bought them 6 months later.

James Bond was a Virgin

Click on the headline for another epic commercial from Y&R. The same agency that brought you the Pirelli ad at the bottom of the page.

Strange how it's taken the creatives 40 years to come up with something decent instead of the usual Cadbury's Milk Tray/Austin Powers type of Bondage. And if you want to see the history of British advertising simply click on the link on the left hand side of the blog - Popular Posts - "The History of Advertising.

The Brilliant Santa Brand book

A Nesty Lunch with the Economist

In the late 90's I met the Moscow correspondent for the Economist. At this time most expats were enjoying their high salaries & the low life of casinos & prostitutes.

We agreed that Russia in the 90's was corrupt, disgusting, decadent & dependent on oil. It was heading for a crash. Not too different from Russia today actually. We got along famously.

He agreed to meet with our clients to tell them what he would be writing about Russia. I invited our 2 major blue chip clients for "Lunch with the Economist." The first client arranged a private room in a restaurant near their office within 2 weeks. They invited their entire board. They also brought along their supervisory board from Switzerland who were in Moscow that week.

The second Blue Chip client took 6 months to arrange a simple meeting between their GM & my friend at the Economist. I wasn't invited.

But I was at the first lunch. My friend told the Nesty client that he believed Russia was a terrible place to invest. He told them that they should put their money in China & India instead. He told them that Putin was a KGB man, didn't understand capitalism or democracy and would suppress free speech.

At the end of the meeting the Nesty client expressed their gratitude for his opinions, even though they disagreed, & offered him a gift of their finest products.

My friend thanked them but said that he couldn't possibly accept. It was against the Economist's rules for journalists to take presents from companies.

"But I'll happily give it to my cleaning lady" he announced.

The Best Education System in the World

As Jill Blenkinsopp used to tell me, "never argue over a fact." Finland & South Korea still head the table.

Click on the headline to find out where your country comes.