I once had to make a presentation to the entire regional board of a big blue chip company. The presentation was in Windsor near London. An appropriate location considering the execution that awaited me.
As I had to cover 15 countries in 15 minutes I decided to show them some simple charts. Years before Boris Karasyoff had shown me how to summarise TV activity on a single page by plotting ratings against weeks. Previously I had written it out but in chart form it made it immediately obvious the position of the company against it's competitor.
I was therefore able to show quickly that against P&G my company was not competitive from Morocco, across North Africa, through Israel, past Turkey to Kazakhstan. It didn't matter if you were Muslim or Jewish, African or Central Asian; Procter had 52 weeks of TV at high weights & my client had rather less.
You would have thought that they would have been impressed with my brilliant summary of their incompetence. But for some reason they were upset. One Greek Australian man from Saudi Arabia was getting particularly irate as each country's performance was presented.
A couple of years later I was asked to help with a pitch in Dubai. The Greek Australian had left the Big Blue Chip and was now with a Saudi company. I mentioned to the local MD of our media company that I didn't think he liked me. I was wrong... he despised me.
I flew all the way from Berlin via Istanbul to Dubai. We went to their office. I didn't get past reception. Mr. Greek Australian saw me and asked to speak to our MD privately. He wanted me out of his office, out of our office & on the next plane out of Dubai.
My father always told me never to trust Short Fat Greek-Australians from Saudi Arabia.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Shooting an Elephant
Somebody asked me directions in Warsaw the other day. I wanted to tell them to head towards the sun, but my Polish isn't that good so I think I told them to go towards the elephant.
Which reminds me of books about elephants by different nationalities.
The Englishman wrote, Elephants I have shot; The Frenchman wrote L'Elephant l'amour und der Germans wrote Vorsprung durch das Futur Metafisik auf das Elefant. The American wrote The Elephant and how to make him bigger.
Somebody did a version for the Nordic countries. The Finns wrote, Finland's debt to the Elephant; the Swedes wrote What Sweden did for the Elephant during the Second World War and the Norwegians wrote a book titled; Norway & the Norwegians.
And finally the Russians wrote; The Elephant - A Russian Invention & The Soviet Elephant: The Greatest Elephant in the World.
Which reminds me of books about elephants by different nationalities.
The Englishman wrote, Elephants I have shot; The Frenchman wrote L'Elephant l'amour und der Germans wrote Vorsprung durch das Futur Metafisik auf das Elefant. The American wrote The Elephant and how to make him bigger.
Somebody did a version for the Nordic countries. The Finns wrote, Finland's debt to the Elephant; the Swedes wrote What Sweden did for the Elephant during the Second World War and the Norwegians wrote a book titled; Norway & the Norwegians.
And finally the Russians wrote; The Elephant - A Russian Invention & The Soviet Elephant: The Greatest Elephant in the World.
You Don't Get 150 Friends...
...without making a few enemies.
Was frightened to realise that I had more contacts on Linkedin than friends on Facebook. So I decided to 'turbo-charge' my friends by actually inviting some people instead of waiting like a shy girl at the school dance.
I now have 150 friends, which is amazing because at school I only had one friend. And he was imaginary. And even he didn't like me much.
Was frightened to realise that I had more contacts on Linkedin than friends on Facebook. So I decided to 'turbo-charge' my friends by actually inviting some people instead of waiting like a shy girl at the school dance.
I now have 150 friends, which is amazing because at school I only had one friend. And he was imaginary. And even he didn't like me much.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
T-Mobile prove airports can still be fun
Click the headline to see the follow up to the famous T-Mobile Dance in a Train Station.
This time they have chosen Heathrow, the scene of so much misery this Christmas. Last year I asked if any client had really understood the internet. And then I suggested that T-Mobile had cracked it with the Liverpool Street Station commercial. A project so grandiose that it would instantly be a hit on Youtube.
But I questioned whether it was campaign-able & not just a one-off stunt. With this 3 minute follow up they show that they have achieved the near impossible. It's own-able, campaign-able & works on the internet.
But it still starts life as a 3 minute TV commercial.
This time they have chosen Heathrow, the scene of so much misery this Christmas. Last year I asked if any client had really understood the internet. And then I suggested that T-Mobile had cracked it with the Liverpool Street Station commercial. A project so grandiose that it would instantly be a hit on Youtube.
But I questioned whether it was campaign-able & not just a one-off stunt. With this 3 minute follow up they show that they have achieved the near impossible. It's own-able, campaign-able & works on the internet.
But it still starts life as a 3 minute TV commercial.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
There's no business like Showbusiness
My first encounter with the business of show was with Dave Prowse. He was the actor inside Darth Vader's costume. He was also the Green Cross Code man.
He came to my school to teach us little ones how to cross the road. But we weren't interested in stopping, looking & listening. We were interested in how he could use the dark side of the force against Luke Skywalker... his own son.
That is the romance of showbusiness. Which reminds me of the famous anecdote about our business. There is a man whose job it is to shovel the elephant shit at the circus. It's a miserable job. 18 hours a day of shovelling pachyderm poo. Someone asks him why he doesn't get a better job.
And he replies, "What... and leave showbusiness"
He came to my school to teach us little ones how to cross the road. But we weren't interested in stopping, looking & listening. We were interested in how he could use the dark side of the force against Luke Skywalker... his own son.
That is the romance of showbusiness. Which reminds me of the famous anecdote about our business. There is a man whose job it is to shovel the elephant shit at the circus. It's a miserable job. 18 hours a day of shovelling pachyderm poo. Someone asks him why he doesn't get a better job.
And he replies, "What... and leave showbusiness"
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Zimmer, Fruhstuck und Wideo
My brother is a fluent German speaker, he is also a consultant. The definition of which is someone who understands there is no solution but knows that there is money to be made prolonging the problem.
He was staying in a hotel in Deutschland with 3 colleagues and they were checking out. The receptionist loudly announced their zeitungs. ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she first said to meine Bruder. Then the next consultant went forward; ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she exclaimed. Then the third; ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she proudly shouted.
Finally the fourth man went forth; "ZIMMER und FRUHSTUCK" she said with a hint of disappointment.
He was staying in a hotel in Deutschland with 3 colleagues and they were checking out. The receptionist loudly announced their zeitungs. ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she first said to meine Bruder. Then the next consultant went forward; ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she exclaimed. Then the third; ZIMMER, FRUHSTUCK und WIDEO she proudly shouted.
Finally the fourth man went forth; "ZIMMER und FRUHSTUCK" she said with a hint of disappointment.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Russian Invasion - Gazzy Must Die !
"Giant Hogweed Heracleum mantegazzianum A native of the Caucasus Mountains, grows to 4-5m tall, and can cause severe phytophotodermatitis if the sap gets on human skin." Wikipedia
One part of our Edinburgh WildLife survey was to locate this noxious weed so the council could attempt to eradicate it. The team in charge of the project waited for the Poet...err Press Officer to go on holiday & then they briefed me on doing the PR campaign.
I obviously didn't know the first thing about PR so I called a friend who also had a 'Community Programme' Job at a local newspaper. She told me that Journalists were lazy creatures and that a well written press release, accompanied by good photos and a press conference would usually guarantee plenty of column inches in the local press.
I did as instructed and set the date of July 6th 1988 for the press conference. How do I remember the date? Because it was the day that the Piper Alpha blew up killing 167 men. This terrible & very Scottish tragedy in the North Sea meant that nobody was interested in my curious Victorian, Russian, herbacious import.
However my press release did work. The Daily Record ran a story a few days later with the headline "Gazzy must Die" They even quoted me, even though I never spoke to them. Gareth Brown, spokesman for the operation said "It's taking a grip all over Scotland."
And that is why I never trust PR.
One part of our Edinburgh WildLife survey was to locate this noxious weed so the council could attempt to eradicate it. The team in charge of the project waited for the Poet...err Press Officer to go on holiday & then they briefed me on doing the PR campaign.
I obviously didn't know the first thing about PR so I called a friend who also had a 'Community Programme' Job at a local newspaper. She told me that Journalists were lazy creatures and that a well written press release, accompanied by good photos and a press conference would usually guarantee plenty of column inches in the local press.
I did as instructed and set the date of July 6th 1988 for the press conference. How do I remember the date? Because it was the day that the Piper Alpha blew up killing 167 men. This terrible & very Scottish tragedy in the North Sea meant that nobody was interested in my curious Victorian, Russian, herbacious import.
However my press release did work. The Daily Record ran a story a few days later with the headline "Gazzy must Die" They even quoted me, even though I never spoke to them. Gareth Brown, spokesman for the operation said "It's taking a grip all over Scotland."
And that is why I never trust PR.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Enviroment (sic) Centre
Amazing as this may sound Media was not my first job. I worked in a library, I worked in a bank and I even worked with trainee criminals. However the most interesting job I had before advertising was working at Edinburgh's Environment centre.
In the 1980's the Conservative Government created a scheme called the Community Programme to "massage" the long term unemployment statistics. If you were a part time student you could collect unemployment benefit. And if you had been unemployed for more than 6 months you could apply for a part time job on this wonderful scheme. This was a magical recipe for mayhem.
I applied for a job as an "Information Officer." Which was my first encounter with title inflation. I arrived on my first day overdressed, as I was wearing normal clothes. The part time wheeze meant that instead of employing 10 professionals the goverment could remove 30+ people from the long term unemployment figures. We were a motley crew of PhDs, burn outs, has beens, and the never going to be. We even had our own poet-in-residence, though his title was Press Officer.
I was sitting doing nothing the whole morning, which was going to be good practice for the future. Then Alexander walked in. Sandy looked & sounded like Chewbacca from Star Wars. I later found out that beneath the hair & beard was a handsome man but at first sight Sandy was truly intimidating. I asked him a question which had been troubling me all morning "Sandy, what do we do...?"
"Well Gareth" Sandy said in his gravelly tones "we are conducting a wildlife survey of Edinburgh. You see this map of the city" Sandy continued pointing at a large map of the capital divided into squares and a pile of paperwork. "This form has all the potential flora & fauna that could be found. The University wants an audit of how much variety of wildlife exists in the city. So we take the form, go the area the square represents.....find a pub & sit in it making up the numbers."
And that is another reason why I don't trust research.
In the 1980's the Conservative Government created a scheme called the Community Programme to "massage" the long term unemployment statistics. If you were a part time student you could collect unemployment benefit. And if you had been unemployed for more than 6 months you could apply for a part time job on this wonderful scheme. This was a magical recipe for mayhem.
I applied for a job as an "Information Officer." Which was my first encounter with title inflation. I arrived on my first day overdressed, as I was wearing normal clothes. The part time wheeze meant that instead of employing 10 professionals the goverment could remove 30+ people from the long term unemployment figures. We were a motley crew of PhDs, burn outs, has beens, and the never going to be. We even had our own poet-in-residence, though his title was Press Officer.
I was sitting doing nothing the whole morning, which was going to be good practice for the future. Then Alexander walked in. Sandy looked & sounded like Chewbacca from Star Wars. I later found out that beneath the hair & beard was a handsome man but at first sight Sandy was truly intimidating. I asked him a question which had been troubling me all morning "Sandy, what do we do...?"
"Well Gareth" Sandy said in his gravelly tones "we are conducting a wildlife survey of Edinburgh. You see this map of the city" Sandy continued pointing at a large map of the capital divided into squares and a pile of paperwork. "This form has all the potential flora & fauna that could be found. The University wants an audit of how much variety of wildlife exists in the city. So we take the form, go the area the square represents.....find a pub & sit in it making up the numbers."
And that is another reason why I don't trust research.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Nightmare on Plac Inwalidow
My worst ever client was called Mito Chanalo. I have cleverly reversed the initial letters there so his relatives & friends won't recognise him.
He was so bad that all other clients pale in comparison. I can cope with small moustachioed men, I can handle men with big titles like President Jean Francois Van Boxmeer, but Mito defeated me.
He was a bully & a coward. He would throw documents. He would tear pages out of presentations. He would happily reduce subordinates to tears...and that was just the men. But he would watch while the GM would write on the wall, too afraid to tell him that we weren't using the white board. He was the Marketing Director of Polgate Calmolive. And he was an idiot of the highest rank.
His favourite tantrum, because he was a big baby, was to demand, nay insist, that we meet on Monday at 8am. However he would always forget his anger over the weekend. So we would arrive at Plac. Inwalidow on Monday at 7.55 sharp only to find no Mito. Once the Client Service Director didn't notice the clocks change and so was there at 7am only to wait 2 freezing hours before a forgetful Chanalo appeared.
Chanalo was criminally stupid. But I bless the man. Because after him I can cope with any client.
He was so bad that all other clients pale in comparison. I can cope with small moustachioed men, I can handle men with big titles like President Jean Francois Van Boxmeer, but Mito defeated me.
He was a bully & a coward. He would throw documents. He would tear pages out of presentations. He would happily reduce subordinates to tears...and that was just the men. But he would watch while the GM would write on the wall, too afraid to tell him that we weren't using the white board. He was the Marketing Director of Polgate Calmolive. And he was an idiot of the highest rank.
His favourite tantrum, because he was a big baby, was to demand, nay insist, that we meet on Monday at 8am. However he would always forget his anger over the weekend. So we would arrive at Plac. Inwalidow on Monday at 7.55 sharp only to find no Mito. Once the Client Service Director didn't notice the clocks change and so was there at 7am only to wait 2 freezing hours before a forgetful Chanalo appeared.
Chanalo was criminally stupid. But I bless the man. Because after him I can cope with any client.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Secret Diary of a Sex-Pat
If I wanted to improve the statistics of my blog I would simply write a diary of my sexual history. It's not that intesting, but I am sure people would read it out of curiousity. Even my mum might start reading my blog.
My point though is this; all statistics about the internet are wrong. Or rather the reading of them is. Yes Facebook reaches 500+ Million people. But TV reaches 5+ Billion people. This blog has the potential to reach 3 Billion but so far it has only reached 3000+; see the new feature on the left below the survey.
Also I deliberately drove people to the site with surveys, which perhaps reveals a hidden love of democracy in Russia. Maybe I should conduct a sex survey - now that would improve my figure.
Facebook's success was based on understanding that the internet, like all media, is driven by the basic human desire to have sex. Radio calls it "Rock & Roll", which used to be slang for sex, Cinema & TV call it romantic comedies. Magazines call it Cosmo-pollution. Facebook calls it social networking ;)
My point though is this; all statistics about the internet are wrong. Or rather the reading of them is. Yes Facebook reaches 500+ Million people. But TV reaches 5+ Billion people. This blog has the potential to reach 3 Billion but so far it has only reached 3000+; see the new feature on the left below the survey.
Also I deliberately drove people to the site with surveys, which perhaps reveals a hidden love of democracy in Russia. Maybe I should conduct a sex survey - now that would improve my figure.
Facebook's success was based on understanding that the internet, like all media, is driven by the basic human desire to have sex. Radio calls it "Rock & Roll", which used to be slang for sex, Cinema & TV call it romantic comedies. Magazines call it Cosmo-pollution. Facebook calls it social networking ;)
When clients understand this they might make some decent websites. They worked it out before with soap operas; designed to sell, well....soap.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Book about Facebook for 200+ Rubles
I am having an auction - 4 copies of "The Facebook Effect" to give away. I'll start the bidding at 200 rubles - send your bid price to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
Client Agency Relationships
Click the headline above for a painful reminder of our wonderful "Show Business"
The Dark Side of Moscow
Forgot to put Pink Floyd on the list of musicians on the survey. Strange omission as I saw them perform "Dark Side of the Moon" in London in the early 90s. That is one of the small joys of working in media, free concert tickets. It makes us feel that we work in Showbusiness.
Moscow has a dark side as well. At night the city changes, the traffic jams that choke the city during the day disappear and an army of workers from Central Asia appear. Many Muscovites ignore these people and act as if they don't exist. It's a similar situation in most big cities. But I speak a little Turkish after 2 years in Istanbul so sometimes I talk to them.
Once I was desperate for a cigarette so I approached some Uzbek road workers. They not only gave me two fags but also refused payment, even though I was wearing a suit. At the open market it is fun to negotiate in Turkish as many of the fruit sellers are from Azerbaijan. I'm not sure if I get a better discount but I do get the best Baku tomatoes. Another time I was buying juice from a kiosk. I said "Rakmet" which is "thanks" in most of Central Asia. She was from Tajikistan and a broad smile lit up her face. She had amazing gold teeth, proving that she put her money where her mouth was.
So next time you are on holiday in Turkey learn a few simple phrases. And you will discover that the dark side of Moscow actually has a light side.
Moscow has a dark side as well. At night the city changes, the traffic jams that choke the city during the day disappear and an army of workers from Central Asia appear. Many Muscovites ignore these people and act as if they don't exist. It's a similar situation in most big cities. But I speak a little Turkish after 2 years in Istanbul so sometimes I talk to them.
Once I was desperate for a cigarette so I approached some Uzbek road workers. They not only gave me two fags but also refused payment, even though I was wearing a suit. At the open market it is fun to negotiate in Turkish as many of the fruit sellers are from Azerbaijan. I'm not sure if I get a better discount but I do get the best Baku tomatoes. Another time I was buying juice from a kiosk. I said "Rakmet" which is "thanks" in most of Central Asia. She was from Tajikistan and a broad smile lit up her face. She had amazing gold teeth, proving that she put her money where her mouth was.
So next time you are on holiday in Turkey learn a few simple phrases. And you will discover that the dark side of Moscow actually has a light side.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Fairytale of New York
Beautiful morning in Moscow. It's like New York in Winter out there. There is even a Santa by the Tchaikovsky Hall.
Which reminds me of my second classic "wind up" involving a lady we shall call Jill Blenkinsopp; because that is still her name.
A year after I ripped up her diploma I was Media Director in Warsaw. Many people back in England thought I'd resigned to live in Walsall, but that is another story.
I was sitting at my desk in Poland on April 1st & was starting to type an email reminding people at the London HQ to play a prank on the delightful Miss B when I realised that I could do it myself using the marvellous new technology of email.
I asked my Ukrainian-American friend Ed if he could vacate his desk for 10 minutes so I could type the following; "Dear Miss Blenkinsopp, my name is Edward Assarabowski and I am the HR director of Y&R's New York Office. You have been selected for Y&R's New York internship program (note the American spelling) You will spend 6 months in New York being "fast tracked" for a future senior management role at Y&R. You will be assigned a mentor & attend a series of lectures about our marvellous business (remember Miss B is a perpetual student). You have been recommended for this by Susan Scrimgeour (Jill was platonically in love with the Client Service Director) Naturally you will maintain your present salary. Please resign immediately & we look forward to meeting you in the Big Apple."
I called James Whitmore to warn him of the bomb that was about to explode and sent the mail late at night so Miss B wouldn't open it until April 2nd. The next morning the device went off.
"I'm going to New York, I'm going to New York," Jill screamed like a schoolgirl. "Should I finish with my boyfriend? 6 months is a long time, I'm going to New York." This went on for an hour until James was tired of the munchkin's screeching.
"Jill, what date is the email?" he asked
"I know James I should have answered yesterday, sorry" the numpty replied
"Jill, where did the email come from" he asked
Miss B stared at the screen, saw the Y&RWarsaw email address and fell silent.
"The Bastard" she sobbed quietly in her northern public school tones.
Which reminds me of my second classic "wind up" involving a lady we shall call Jill Blenkinsopp; because that is still her name.
A year after I ripped up her diploma I was Media Director in Warsaw. Many people back in England thought I'd resigned to live in Walsall, but that is another story.
I was sitting at my desk in Poland on April 1st & was starting to type an email reminding people at the London HQ to play a prank on the delightful Miss B when I realised that I could do it myself using the marvellous new technology of email.
I asked my Ukrainian-American friend Ed if he could vacate his desk for 10 minutes so I could type the following; "Dear Miss Blenkinsopp, my name is Edward Assarabowski and I am the HR director of Y&R's New York Office. You have been selected for Y&R's New York internship program (note the American spelling) You will spend 6 months in New York being "fast tracked" for a future senior management role at Y&R. You will be assigned a mentor & attend a series of lectures about our marvellous business (remember Miss B is a perpetual student). You have been recommended for this by Susan Scrimgeour (Jill was platonically in love with the Client Service Director) Naturally you will maintain your present salary. Please resign immediately & we look forward to meeting you in the Big Apple."
I called James Whitmore to warn him of the bomb that was about to explode and sent the mail late at night so Miss B wouldn't open it until April 2nd. The next morning the device went off.
"I'm going to New York, I'm going to New York," Jill screamed like a schoolgirl. "Should I finish with my boyfriend? 6 months is a long time, I'm going to New York." This went on for an hour until James was tired of the munchkin's screeching.
"Jill, what date is the email?" he asked
"I know James I should have answered yesterday, sorry" the numpty replied
"Jill, where did the email come from" he asked
Miss B stared at the screen, saw the Y&RWarsaw email address and fell silent.
"The Bastard" she sobbed quietly in her northern public school tones.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I don't believe you did that..!
When I started in advertising we were only just beginning to get computers on every planners desk. And the internet was in its infancy. Therefore we had to use our imagination to get from the 9 to the 5.
A friend of mine used to photocopy the Guardian crossword puzzle at work. That way she would look as if she was deep in thought (she was) but it was of a more cerebral kind than her bosses suspected.
This lack of entertainment gave rise to the "wind up." Two of which I am proud to have performed.
The first involved someone we shall call Jill Blenkinsopp; because that was her name. She went on a basic media course for young planners called Media Circle. It took place every Thursday at JWT on Berkeley Square at 6pm. As I recall there were 10 lectures. If you had a 100% attendence record you got a certificate.
Miss Blenkinsopp proudly placed her certificate on her desk. She had only just joined Y&R from University and was one of those annoying perpetual student types. She left our business after a few years to go into teaching which explains what follows...
She asked me in her haughty way "did you get a certificate Gareth? I got a certificate." I explained to Jill that at Zenith, where I was when I went to Media Circle, the opportunity to leave the office at 5 should not be wasted on a lecture that posters reach drivers & young people go to the cinema. It was a golden opportunity to go home early for once. So no, I didn't get a certificate.
I then noticed that her certificate was black & white.
A quick visit to the photocopier gave me pretty decent facsimile of her beloved piece of paper. I had to glue another piece of paper to the back to give it significant heft & weight to stand up on its own. All I had to do now was wait.
Sure enough within 24 hours Miss Blenkinsopp started hectoring me about the values of a public school education. I leapt to my feet, picked up her "new" certificate & proceeded to shred it in front of her eyes. I threw the pieces in her bin. Jill's eyes filled with tears.
A friend of mine used to photocopy the Guardian crossword puzzle at work. That way she would look as if she was deep in thought (she was) but it was of a more cerebral kind than her bosses suspected.
This lack of entertainment gave rise to the "wind up." Two of which I am proud to have performed.
The first involved someone we shall call Jill Blenkinsopp; because that was her name. She went on a basic media course for young planners called Media Circle. It took place every Thursday at JWT on Berkeley Square at 6pm. As I recall there were 10 lectures. If you had a 100% attendence record you got a certificate.
Miss Blenkinsopp proudly placed her certificate on her desk. She had only just joined Y&R from University and was one of those annoying perpetual student types. She left our business after a few years to go into teaching which explains what follows...
She asked me in her haughty way "did you get a certificate Gareth? I got a certificate." I explained to Jill that at Zenith, where I was when I went to Media Circle, the opportunity to leave the office at 5 should not be wasted on a lecture that posters reach drivers & young people go to the cinema. It was a golden opportunity to go home early for once. So no, I didn't get a certificate.
I then noticed that her certificate was black & white.
A quick visit to the photocopier gave me pretty decent facsimile of her beloved piece of paper. I had to glue another piece of paper to the back to give it significant heft & weight to stand up on its own. All I had to do now was wait.
Sure enough within 24 hours Miss Blenkinsopp started hectoring me about the values of a public school education. I leapt to my feet, picked up her "new" certificate & proceeded to shred it in front of her eyes. I threw the pieces in her bin. Jill's eyes filled with tears.
"I don't believe you did that" she said struggling to hold back the waterworks. "I'm going to tell James." James Whitmore was the Planning Director.
When I got bored of her sniffles I took the original out of my desk and handed it back to her.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Herding Cats
They say that managing an advertising agency is like herding cats. The link in the headline show how to do it
I had that dream about a meaningful job again....
I took my daughter to Anfield in August. She took a book.
My grandmother was a big Liverpool fan, and when I say big, I mean huge. She had a season ticket for many years & even went to the European Cup Final in 1978, just 3 years before she died. And when she died we dispersed her ashes on the pitch in the same spot where Bill Shankly was spread.
Luckily even though my lovely daughter wasn't interested in any of this I was with my Uncle Bill who was. My Uncle is my hero. Why? Because he drove trucks for a living.
When I was a kid my Uncle parked a big "Fuck Off" Oil tanker outside our ticky tacky house in bourgeois Balerno, a suburb of Edinburgh. Our neighbours were horrified, I was delighted. I was the proudest pupil at school that day.
My dad, like most of our neighbours had a job that an 8 year old boy couldn't understand. Something at the University involving engineering & computers & machines and other unfathomable stuff. But a big oil tanker I could understand. Still can actually. My Uncle had a real job, one that I respect to this day. One that I admire everytime I get a bendy bus in London. Media buying is not a real job; it's not something an 8 year old can understand.
So I dream of driving a big truck one day.
My grandmother was a big Liverpool fan, and when I say big, I mean huge. She had a season ticket for many years & even went to the European Cup Final in 1978, just 3 years before she died. And when she died we dispersed her ashes on the pitch in the same spot where Bill Shankly was spread.
Luckily even though my lovely daughter wasn't interested in any of this I was with my Uncle Bill who was. My Uncle is my hero. Why? Because he drove trucks for a living.
When I was a kid my Uncle parked a big "Fuck Off" Oil tanker outside our ticky tacky house in bourgeois Balerno, a suburb of Edinburgh. Our neighbours were horrified, I was delighted. I was the proudest pupil at school that day.
My dad, like most of our neighbours had a job that an 8 year old boy couldn't understand. Something at the University involving engineering & computers & machines and other unfathomable stuff. But a big oil tanker I could understand. Still can actually. My Uncle had a real job, one that I respect to this day. One that I admire everytime I get a bendy bus in London. Media buying is not a real job; it's not something an 8 year old can understand.
So I dream of driving a big truck one day.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Finally....a decent Russian pop song
Click on the headline to see the first decent song I have heard in Russia. It's by a lady call Nyusha & the song is Chudo. The video appears to be a scary porno version of Cirque du Soleil but it's a start.
It is noticeable that the further East you go from Britain & Ireland the worse the music gets. Maybe it has something to do with the speed of sound. French music is merde, German songs are sheisse, Disco Polo in Poland ish pish (as Sir Sean Connery would say)
So by the time you get to the Ukraine you can barely hear Led Zeppelin, U2 & Snow Patrol. I think they are only just beginning to hear the Beatles & the Stones in Vladivostok. But their music might be muffled by the proximity of Karaoke from Japan.
It is noticeable that the further East you go from Britain & Ireland the worse the music gets. Maybe it has something to do with the speed of sound. French music is merde, German songs are sheisse, Disco Polo in Poland ish pish (as Sir Sean Connery would say)
So by the time you get to the Ukraine you can barely hear Led Zeppelin, U2 & Snow Patrol. I think they are only just beginning to hear the Beatles & the Stones in Vladivostok. But their music might be muffled by the proximity of Karaoke from Japan.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Everybody Lies"
I was sitting in a Millward Brown meeting the other week. Watching their dull charts flash by I started thinking of the motto of House - "everybody lies".
Millward Brown (no relation) is a research company. They look backwards not forwards. Bill Bernbach said, don't trust the research, it won't give you an idea.
I wouldn't even trust research to report the current situation. Because numbers can lie. People won't admit that driving by a poster made them part with $50,000 for a car. And yet it's true. We buy posters for automobiles & people go & buy metal.
Research won't tell you that. It will tell you to buy a print campaign for information & radio to reach people in traffic. Never trust research, nobody knows anything & everyone lies.
And watching "House" taught me another thing; our job is even simpler than I thought it was. With medical diagnostics there are so many possible options. A fever can suggest many things. But when our brands are sick we only have 6 potential prescriptions - TV, Press, Posters, Radio, Cinema & Digital.
There are many medical dramas on TV & very few about advertising. This is because advertising is a simple profession with no complex outcomes.
After many disasters they finally came up with a successful TV drama about advertising - Mad Men, which is more about the men than the mad. There will never be a great TV show about Media Men... because our job is too simple. There is no drama in that.
Millward Brown (no relation) is a research company. They look backwards not forwards. Bill Bernbach said, don't trust the research, it won't give you an idea.
I wouldn't even trust research to report the current situation. Because numbers can lie. People won't admit that driving by a poster made them part with $50,000 for a car. And yet it's true. We buy posters for automobiles & people go & buy metal.
Research won't tell you that. It will tell you to buy a print campaign for information & radio to reach people in traffic. Never trust research, nobody knows anything & everyone lies.
And watching "House" taught me another thing; our job is even simpler than I thought it was. With medical diagnostics there are so many possible options. A fever can suggest many things. But when our brands are sick we only have 6 potential prescriptions - TV, Press, Posters, Radio, Cinema & Digital.
There are many medical dramas on TV & very few about advertising. This is because advertising is a simple profession with no complex outcomes.
After many disasters they finally came up with a successful TV drama about advertising - Mad Men, which is more about the men than the mad. There will never be a great TV show about Media Men... because our job is too simple. There is no drama in that.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Once in a Blue Moon....
One of our big important clients decided to have an all agency meeting for one of their wonderful brands. They invited people from all the agencies working on the brand.
This included a rum mix of sales, promotions, media & creative. The idea in these meetings is that no question is foolish, no idea is too stupid. This was about to be proved wrong.
There was a gentleman there with a marvellous fruity voice who embodied Churchills maxim that “never has so much speech been filled with so little thought.” I believe he was from sales. He started by proposing that as the moon was yellow & our brand was yellow we should sponsor the moon. I thought this was aiming a bit high. But I listened with interest.
The problem though was his voice. It was so mellifluous (look it up) It was so sonorous (look that up too). Every stupid thing he proposed was amplified & made musically magnificently comic. I started to get that horrible feeling we all know from school & church where we want to laugh but know that we can’t. The knowledge that you shouldn’t laugh only makes you want to laugh even more. This makes you giggly. Which is worse as you look like a naughty schoolboy. I went to make a cup of tea to distract myself.
Next to me however was my trusty Tatar friend Lilia Fakhrutdinova. A serious mathematics graduate from Moscow State University. I knew that her inscrutable appearance would see me through. The only problem was that she was starting to laugh as well. I prayed to all Gods that Mr.Fruity Voice wouldn’t start talking again. My Gods didn’t listen. Maybe they have a sense of humour.
He started again. The voice filled the room. “MayBE our BRAND could SPOnsor the MetRO….and people would no longer say shall I take the MetRO but ShALL We take the BRand”
I lost it. I had to leave the room.
But maybe I am wrong...see link in the headline
This included a rum mix of sales, promotions, media & creative. The idea in these meetings is that no question is foolish, no idea is too stupid. This was about to be proved wrong.
There was a gentleman there with a marvellous fruity voice who embodied Churchills maxim that “never has so much speech been filled with so little thought.” I believe he was from sales. He started by proposing that as the moon was yellow & our brand was yellow we should sponsor the moon. I thought this was aiming a bit high. But I listened with interest.
The problem though was his voice. It was so mellifluous (look it up) It was so sonorous (look that up too). Every stupid thing he proposed was amplified & made musically magnificently comic. I started to get that horrible feeling we all know from school & church where we want to laugh but know that we can’t. The knowledge that you shouldn’t laugh only makes you want to laugh even more. This makes you giggly. Which is worse as you look like a naughty schoolboy. I went to make a cup of tea to distract myself.
Next to me however was my trusty Tatar friend Lilia Fakhrutdinova. A serious mathematics graduate from Moscow State University. I knew that her inscrutable appearance would see me through. The only problem was that she was starting to laugh as well. I prayed to all Gods that Mr.Fruity Voice wouldn’t start talking again. My Gods didn’t listen. Maybe they have a sense of humour.
He started again. The voice filled the room. “MayBE our BRAND could SPOnsor the MetRO….and people would no longer say shall I take the MetRO but ShALL We take the BRand”
I lost it. I had to leave the room.
But maybe I am wrong...see link in the headline
Monday, April 19, 2010
My Worst Meeting - No TV this year
We once had a big blue chip client with a tiny little budget. They had fired us a couple of years before because they wanted to keep the business in the family. The marketing director prefered to give her media budget to her husband at a rival agency.
They reluctantly returned to us due to pressure from their HQ to honour the international contract. They didn't particularly want to work with us & we didn't fancy working with them. The meeting was never going to be much fun.
The GM was in the meeting and told us that as his budget was small we needed to be clever. However his media strategy was stupid. He wanted to support every brand in his portfolio with different media. Internet for one product, magazines for another....a little radio here, some posters there. TV was on the table, literally, as we were going to look at some commercials they had.
I wasn't in a great mood anyway as I was on my way to airport to see my father who was dying of cancer. I was therefore dressed very casually which didn't impress the little GM. We took an instant dislike to each other to save time. He even had a small moustache which is never the sign of a marketing genius.
My job title suggests that I should have an opinion of media. I therefore suggested that perhaps he was wasting his tiny budget by dividing it between all his brands. I humbly proposed that perhaps he might want to identify the product which responded best to advertising and put all of his money supporting that brand on TV. He disagreed.
I pointed out that TV was the cheapest media in Russia. He said that this was normal. I offered the opinion that "normally" TV was the most expensive media. He said that the reason TV was expensive in the USA was because America has a lot of TV stations.
I then had a better idea of how to invest his cash. As he was a small man, with a small moustache, a small budget & a tiny brain perhaps he should put the money in the bank & collect the interest payments. As a public company this would give the best return on investment for the shareholders. I then announced my need to leave.
As I walked past my foot caught on the TV cable & the television crashed to the floor. I couldn't resist saying; "I guess we won't be using TV this year."
They reluctantly returned to us due to pressure from their HQ to honour the international contract. They didn't particularly want to work with us & we didn't fancy working with them. The meeting was never going to be much fun.
The GM was in the meeting and told us that as his budget was small we needed to be clever. However his media strategy was stupid. He wanted to support every brand in his portfolio with different media. Internet for one product, magazines for another....a little radio here, some posters there. TV was on the table, literally, as we were going to look at some commercials they had.
I wasn't in a great mood anyway as I was on my way to airport to see my father who was dying of cancer. I was therefore dressed very casually which didn't impress the little GM. We took an instant dislike to each other to save time. He even had a small moustache which is never the sign of a marketing genius.
My job title suggests that I should have an opinion of media. I therefore suggested that perhaps he was wasting his tiny budget by dividing it between all his brands. I humbly proposed that perhaps he might want to identify the product which responded best to advertising and put all of his money supporting that brand on TV. He disagreed.
I pointed out that TV was the cheapest media in Russia. He said that this was normal. I offered the opinion that "normally" TV was the most expensive media. He said that the reason TV was expensive in the USA was because America has a lot of TV stations.
I then had a better idea of how to invest his cash. As he was a small man, with a small moustache, a small budget & a tiny brain perhaps he should put the money in the bank & collect the interest payments. As a public company this would give the best return on investment for the shareholders. I then announced my need to leave.
As I walked past my foot caught on the TV cable & the television crashed to the floor. I couldn't resist saying; "I guess we won't be using TV this year."
Friday, April 16, 2010
My First Meeting - Drambuie meets Christo
When I was a young media planner I moved to Young & Rubicam to experience full service advertising. This was in the old days when creatives & media people actually sat in the same meeting.
My first "full service" meeting was with a Scottish client Drambuie, which is a sickly blend of whisky, honey & herbs. There was also a sickly blend of client, distributor & advertising agency at the meeting. Apparently we had agreed with the distributor IDV that we would be doing a print campaign. But no-one had told the conservative Scottish client this fact.
Print was enjoying a renaissance in the UK with brands such as Haagen Daz & Boddingtons buying the outside back covers of magazines & calling it the "poster in the living room". Y&R proposed copying the famous artist Christo in covering the world's famous sites with the golden liqueur of Drambuie. I thought this was a brilliant idea. The client didn't.
The meeting started badly when I introduced myself to one of the grey haired men in the room. I didn't know if he was from Drambuie or the distributor. It turned out he was the Chairman of Y&R. The meeting then got worse.
Drambuie didn't want Christo, they didn't want posters in the living room & they didn't want Y&R any more. They wanted what they had got for the last 40 years; TV at Christmas.
I thought the meeting was wonderful. Very creative. A sparky honest conflict of ideas. A dramatic discussion of different media. The suits thought it was nightmare.
Drambuie got their dull Christmas campaign and Y&R was fired in the New Year.
My first "full service" meeting was with a Scottish client Drambuie, which is a sickly blend of whisky, honey & herbs. There was also a sickly blend of client, distributor & advertising agency at the meeting. Apparently we had agreed with the distributor IDV that we would be doing a print campaign. But no-one had told the conservative Scottish client this fact.
Print was enjoying a renaissance in the UK with brands such as Haagen Daz & Boddingtons buying the outside back covers of magazines & calling it the "poster in the living room". Y&R proposed copying the famous artist Christo in covering the world's famous sites with the golden liqueur of Drambuie. I thought this was a brilliant idea. The client didn't.
The meeting started badly when I introduced myself to one of the grey haired men in the room. I didn't know if he was from Drambuie or the distributor. It turned out he was the Chairman of Y&R. The meeting then got worse.
Drambuie didn't want Christo, they didn't want posters in the living room & they didn't want Y&R any more. They wanted what they had got for the last 40 years; TV at Christmas.
I thought the meeting was wonderful. Very creative. A sparky honest conflict of ideas. A dramatic discussion of different media. The suits thought it was nightmare.
Drambuie got their dull Christmas campaign and Y&R was fired in the New Year.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
No Swearing Please...We're Russian
One thing that strikes you after a while here is that Russians don't swear. At least not the ones who work in Advertising and Marketing. This is very strange.
There are so many annoying moments during the working day that swearing is a natural release of all the stress of dealing with difficult clients & annoying media owners. It only takes a few weeks in Warsaw for those with a keen ear to pick up all the main Polish expletives. Poles love to swear. Brits also love to swear. Both Poles & Brits love freedom. Perhaps the two are related. See the link in the headline for the ultimate Polish gesture of defiance.
But in Russia people don't swear. They close down all the free press... but they don't swear. They invade their neighbours...but they don't swear. They arrest your parents & put you in the gulag... but they don't swear. They can follow communism & create famines... but they don't swear.
If I am wrong please send your Russian curse words to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
There are so many annoying moments during the working day that swearing is a natural release of all the stress of dealing with difficult clients & annoying media owners. It only takes a few weeks in Warsaw for those with a keen ear to pick up all the main Polish expletives. Poles love to swear. Brits also love to swear. Both Poles & Brits love freedom. Perhaps the two are related. See the link in the headline for the ultimate Polish gesture of defiance.
But in Russia people don't swear. They close down all the free press... but they don't swear. They invade their neighbours...but they don't swear. They arrest your parents & put you in the gulag... but they don't swear. They can follow communism & create famines... but they don't swear.
If I am wrong please send your Russian curse words to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Media Placement of the Year
Near my house is a car wash. It wasn't very popular as nobody knew it was there. So the owners parked a big "fuck off" Hummer on the main road nearby with a big "fuck off" sign saying Car Wash here.
It's not going to win any awards at Cannes but there are now queues for the Car wash.
This proves that people who run small businesses are better media planners than digital gurus who talk about communication paradigms & moment architecture. You put great creative, a Hummer in this case, with a call to action close to where your target audience is. That is all media planning is. Simple really.
It's not going to win any awards at Cannes but there are now queues for the Car wash.
This proves that people who run small businesses are better media planners than digital gurus who talk about communication paradigms & moment architecture. You put great creative, a Hummer in this case, with a call to action close to where your target audience is. That is all media planning is. Simple really.
Friday, April 9, 2010
McDonalds in McMinsk
I heard a fantastic story about McDonalds in Minsk. Apparently the local McDonalds manager was unhappy about the locals using the toilets without buying anything. So as in many McDonalds he introduced a system where only customers could use the facilities.
The people of Minsk were not happy about this so they kidnapped the plastic Ronald statue from outside the restaurant. They then threatened the manager by cutting off one of the plastic statues fingers and sending it to him. And they said that they would cut off a finger every day until the toilets were re-opened to the public.
The people of Minsk were not happy about this so they kidnapped the plastic Ronald statue from outside the restaurant. They then threatened the manager by cutting off one of the plastic statues fingers and sending it to him. And they said that they would cut off a finger every day until the toilets were re-opened to the public.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Re-mantling the Posters
Years ago we were discussing discussing Outdoor with a big Nesty client. The problem was that our big special poster sites would suffer creative wear-out as they stayed for too long in the same place. They became part of the landscape & consumers would no longer be surprised by their presence.
The grand boss asked why we couldn't dismantle our large posters & re-mantle them somewhere else. The fact that he was a French speaker & said this with such confidence made it rather amusing.
I tried not to look at the marketing director who was a fellow Brit. But when our eyes met we both started giggling like schoolboys. However the big boss was right. If you mangle English with enough confidence you can create a new word. And Re-Mantle is now in the Urban Dictionary - see headline link. If enough people use re-mantle it will graduate to the Oxford English dictionary.
Another popular candidate from marketing meetings includes, one month, two months & therefore three monthes. So celebrate the ability of English to adapt & re-mantle your media plans every 3 monthes to keep your creative fresh.
The grand boss asked why we couldn't dismantle our large posters & re-mantle them somewhere else. The fact that he was a French speaker & said this with such confidence made it rather amusing.
I tried not to look at the marketing director who was a fellow Brit. But when our eyes met we both started giggling like schoolboys. However the big boss was right. If you mangle English with enough confidence you can create a new word. And Re-Mantle is now in the Urban Dictionary - see headline link. If enough people use re-mantle it will graduate to the Oxford English dictionary.
Another popular candidate from marketing meetings includes, one month, two months & therefore three monthes. So celebrate the ability of English to adapt & re-mantle your media plans every 3 monthes to keep your creative fresh.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Are they Big Enough...?
How big can should a promotion be to work in a country as large as Russia?
There are around 142 Million people in this country so if you only have one big thing to give away 141,999 people will be disappointed.
So using the concept of 6 degrees of separation you need a few thousand gifts for a promotion to work. That way someone should know someone who has won. But how many thousand? This question came up 10 years ago with a client who wanted to give away "golden hearts of Russia" with their boxes of chocolate. We were faced with the choice of 5000 reasonably large golden hearts to give away or 10,000 hearts which were half the size.
At the meeting was a lady from the promotion agency who was blessed with a generous decolletage; the absence that suggests a presence. The client was concerned that the smaller hearts were not large enough. While he was voiceing his doubts this lady took one of the smaller hearts, put it on her necklace & then placed it between her generous breasts.
She then turned to the Marketing Director, invited him to look at her ample chest, looked him in the eyes & said "I think they are big enough".
The lesson here is that when planning promotions you should always ask yourself, "are they big enough?"
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Flying to Bulgaria
One of the joys of working in Eastern Europe is the sense of humour. A rich blend of the absurd & the darkly ironic. An ability to laugh at the comic nature of post-communist life that does not exist in the truly socialist economies of Skandinavia or the Statist perfection of France.
For instance what is the difference between a Russian pessimist & a Russian optimist? A pessimist thinks that things are bad & will always be bad. An optimist thinks things are so bad they can only get better.
My favourite story though is about a naive young lady who was going to Bulgaria on holiday when the Soviet Union was still an Evil Empire. One condition of the exit visa was that she had to prove her health. Similar to todays requirement that I pass AIDS, Syphilis & Chlamydia tests to get a multiple entry business visa. Being a lady this required a trip to the Gynaecologist. Being young & innocent this was her first trip to such a specialist. But she was excited as this examination would lead to her sunny holiday. However as she was naive she didn't know which way round to lie on the examination table & she put her arms where her legs should have gone. This left her in a rather strange "Supergirl" position. And so when the Doctor returned he asked her where she was flying to?
"Bulgaria" she proudly replied.
For instance what is the difference between a Russian pessimist & a Russian optimist? A pessimist thinks that things are bad & will always be bad. An optimist thinks things are so bad they can only get better.
My favourite story though is about a naive young lady who was going to Bulgaria on holiday when the Soviet Union was still an Evil Empire. One condition of the exit visa was that she had to prove her health. Similar to todays requirement that I pass AIDS, Syphilis & Chlamydia tests to get a multiple entry business visa. Being a lady this required a trip to the Gynaecologist. Being young & innocent this was her first trip to such a specialist. But she was excited as this examination would lead to her sunny holiday. However as she was naive she didn't know which way round to lie on the examination table & she put her arms where her legs should have gone. This left her in a rather strange "Supergirl" position. And so when the Doctor returned he asked her where she was flying to?
"Bulgaria" she proudly replied.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Answers on a Postcard
It costs less than 8 rubles (25c) to send a postcard 11 time zones from Kaliningrad to Kamchatka. That has to be the cheapest postal service in the world. There are lovely free postcards in Lutch on Bol. Pirogovskaya 27. Simply add a stamp. The headline link leads to a video of the last time I tried to sell stamps in Russia.
If you know a better value stamp contact me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com
If you know a better value stamp contact me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com
Friday, March 26, 2010
Lucky Ducks
While we are on the subject of bird brained ideas I should tell the marvellous magical story of the Novodevichy Ducks.
Once upon a time an important man called the President of the USA gave a statue of some ducks to Russia. They were from a famous story about some ducks which was very popular in his country. In a town call Boston there was a statue of these ducks to celebrate the story. And all the children loved them.
President Bush Senior gave a copy of these ducks to Russia to show peace & friendship between the two countries now that their long cold war was over. Many Russian children now played on these ducks & everyone was happy.
But then one day, many years later when Mr. Bush's son was about to be King, some very bad people stole the ducks. Not the real ducks which paddle in the lake but the statue of the ducks. It was made of a precious metal called Bronze. Now the Moscow children had nowhere to play & everyone was very sad.
Your storyteller called one of his friends & asked if her big rich company would like to pay to replace the ducks. She told me to go forth & multiply with the ducks, although in less words. Her reply actually rhymed with with "Duck" as luck would have it.
But happily another friend from Kimberly-Clark helped to pay for the replacement ducks. He was from Boston & understood how much children loved the ducks. And there was another big party at the lake when the bronze ducks flew back from America.
This time lots of TV cameras came & the smaller client got lots of free press & television coverage that the big nesty client didn't get. So if you go to the Novodevichy Park today you will find the ducks. And everyone lived happily ever after...even the nesty client was forgiven as most clients fail to see an obvious 360 media idea when we present it to them.
Once upon a time an important man called the President of the USA gave a statue of some ducks to Russia. They were from a famous story about some ducks which was very popular in his country. In a town call Boston there was a statue of these ducks to celebrate the story. And all the children loved them.
President Bush Senior gave a copy of these ducks to Russia to show peace & friendship between the two countries now that their long cold war was over. Many Russian children now played on these ducks & everyone was happy.
But then one day, many years later when Mr. Bush's son was about to be King, some very bad people stole the ducks. Not the real ducks which paddle in the lake but the statue of the ducks. It was made of a precious metal called Bronze. Now the Moscow children had nowhere to play & everyone was very sad.
Your storyteller called one of his friends & asked if her big rich company would like to pay to replace the ducks. She told me to go forth & multiply with the ducks, although in less words. Her reply actually rhymed with with "Duck" as luck would have it.
But happily another friend from Kimberly-Clark helped to pay for the replacement ducks. He was from Boston & understood how much children loved the ducks. And there was another big party at the lake when the bronze ducks flew back from America.
This time lots of TV cameras came & the smaller client got lots of free press & television coverage that the big nesty client didn't get. So if you go to the Novodevichy Park today you will find the ducks. And everyone lived happily ever after...even the nesty client was forgiven as most clients fail to see an obvious 360 media idea when we present it to them.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
CPP = Cost per Penguin
The best idea I never had. When I was Media Director in Poland a colleague went to "Blue Sky" Brainstorm with Danone.
She pointed out that Coke had sponsored the Polar Bear at Warsaw zoo, Nestle had sponsored the Lion but that there were no Penguins for Danone to sponsor. Penguins suited Danone as they had a wee Pingu on their kids yoghurt. Un-fort-un-at-ely the Penguin enclosure was empty as they had all gone from some kind of Bird Flu (sp. flew..?)
So Malgosia suggested that we bring the Penguins back to Warsaw. Danone being French & with a barmy Brit in charge were slightly crazier than us & agreed. We now had a problem...what is the cost per penguin? I called Edinburgh zoo which has the largest Penguin collection in Europe. As I recall I was met with a polite but firm response, "Do you think we're a fucking pet shop."
Eventually we got some Penguins from Gdansk zoo. And we got lots of free PR as the combination of Penguins & Children got even the most cynical journalists interested. To my eternal shame I didn't even go to the opening ceremony. So the greatest media idea in my career wasn't my idea, I didn't help much & I missed the party.
The cost per Penguin? c.$300 which was the same at the CPP on TV in Poland at the time.
She pointed out that Coke had sponsored the Polar Bear at Warsaw zoo, Nestle had sponsored the Lion but that there were no Penguins for Danone to sponsor. Penguins suited Danone as they had a wee Pingu on their kids yoghurt. Un-fort-un-at-ely the Penguin enclosure was empty as they had all gone from some kind of Bird Flu (sp. flew..?)
So Malgosia suggested that we bring the Penguins back to Warsaw. Danone being French & with a barmy Brit in charge were slightly crazier than us & agreed. We now had a problem...what is the cost per penguin? I called Edinburgh zoo which has the largest Penguin collection in Europe. As I recall I was met with a polite but firm response, "Do you think we're a fucking pet shop."
Eventually we got some Penguins from Gdansk zoo. And we got lots of free PR as the combination of Penguins & Children got even the most cynical journalists interested. To my eternal shame I didn't even go to the opening ceremony. So the greatest media idea in my career wasn't my idea, I didn't help much & I missed the party.
The cost per Penguin? c.$300 which was the same at the CPP on TV in Poland at the time.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The 5 reasons to say No
When I was a student in the USA & I had a crazy idea people would ask me, "How can I help you?" When I was a media planner in the UK people would say, "Why are you doing that?"
In Russia people respond with; "These are the 5 reasons it won't work."
I will give a copy of the book Googled to whoever supplies me with the best client reason for saying no. I have 5 copies to give away. Rejection letters should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
In Russia people respond with; "These are the 5 reasons it won't work."
I will give a copy of the book Googled to whoever supplies me with the best client reason for saying no. I have 5 copies to give away. Rejection letters should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
Why Most Creatives are Dull
Most people who work in media really want to be creatives. Actually most marketing & account people also want to be creatives. The creatives appear to have the best job in the business. They write the ads & get the rewards & recognition.
But it's actually the worst place to work. Firstly because it's very political. If you get the Pirelli brief of course you can produce Cannes winning work. But if you get the Colgate brief you have to produce teeth grindingly bad adaptations. In media we don't care. Colgate can be a fun account with the right Marketing people & Pirelli can be an Italian nightmare.
The continual rejection is the worst part of the creative job. Clients are going to say No to 90% of your ideas. Maybe 99% will never make it to the small screen the way you envisioned. That is heartbreaking for a true creative person.
There are long queues in Moscow at the moment (in sub zero temperatures) for a Picasso exhibition. He didn't have to get his crazy ideas past brand managers, marketing directors & purchasing departments. If he did we wouldn't have his masterpiece Guernica but a postcard of Generalissimo Franco instead. He would have to consider the majority of consumers you understand.
So the creatives that survive years of their ideas being reduced & rejected are inevitably the ones with the thickest skin...or they are a bit thick. Or both.
But it's actually the worst place to work. Firstly because it's very political. If you get the Pirelli brief of course you can produce Cannes winning work. But if you get the Colgate brief you have to produce teeth grindingly bad adaptations. In media we don't care. Colgate can be a fun account with the right Marketing people & Pirelli can be an Italian nightmare.
The continual rejection is the worst part of the creative job. Clients are going to say No to 90% of your ideas. Maybe 99% will never make it to the small screen the way you envisioned. That is heartbreaking for a true creative person.
There are long queues in Moscow at the moment (in sub zero temperatures) for a Picasso exhibition. He didn't have to get his crazy ideas past brand managers, marketing directors & purchasing departments. If he did we wouldn't have his masterpiece Guernica but a postcard of Generalissimo Franco instead. He would have to consider the majority of consumers you understand.
So the creatives that survive years of their ideas being reduced & rejected are inevitably the ones with the thickest skin...or they are a bit thick. Or both.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Washes Whiter - Part 3
The final episode of the Wonderful BBC History of Advertising.
How to reach Children & Teenagers - have to be careful how I phrase that. Questions, Answers...Legal Action should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
How to reach Children & Teenagers - have to be careful how I phrase that. Questions, Answers...Legal Action should be sent to pgarethbrown@gmail.com
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Bonfire of the Vanities
I have thought of a paradigm shift.
The World can now be divided into Facebook people & LinkedIn people. I know which cluster group I prefer.
The headline link leads to a wonderful World War Two on Facebook page - & don't forget that if you click through Mr.Carl Lewis above you will see a $6 million dollar man TV ad.
The World can now be divided into Facebook people & LinkedIn people. I know which cluster group I prefer.
The headline link leads to a wonderful World War Two on Facebook page - & don't forget that if you click through Mr.Carl Lewis above you will see a $6 million dollar man TV ad.
Vanity Fair
One of the strangest aspects of working in media is our amazing ability to celebrate ourselves.
The Media Department used to be a dull but necessary part of the advertising process. A bit like the Finance Department but without the glamour. Then at some point in the 1980s we were able to convince ourselves & others that we were communication architects & channel planners. So we had to learn how to spell new words like "context" & "amplify."
We still put 90% of our clients money on TV. But now we did it with a new "paradigm" in mind. I met a client once who was worried that 90% of his money was being spent on TV. I had to agree with his concern, it should have been 100%.
To prove our "creative" credentials we have to give ourselves awards (see headline link). As far as I am aware the finance department doesn't receive an Audit of the Year prize or a Most Creative Tax Evasion award. But we can claim a Best use of Radio gong. This is ridiculous. The best use of radio is not to use it at all. Or to buy TV and leave the screen blank.
I am not complaining. I work in Media you see. I am an Moment Architect...and I always wanted to be an Architect. My mum is proud.
The Media Department used to be a dull but necessary part of the advertising process. A bit like the Finance Department but without the glamour. Then at some point in the 1980s we were able to convince ourselves & others that we were communication architects & channel planners. So we had to learn how to spell new words like "context" & "amplify."
We still put 90% of our clients money on TV. But now we did it with a new "paradigm" in mind. I met a client once who was worried that 90% of his money was being spent on TV. I had to agree with his concern, it should have been 100%.
To prove our "creative" credentials we have to give ourselves awards (see headline link). As far as I am aware the finance department doesn't receive an Audit of the Year prize or a Most Creative Tax Evasion award. But we can claim a Best use of Radio gong. This is ridiculous. The best use of radio is not to use it at all. Or to buy TV and leave the screen blank.
I am not complaining. I work in Media you see. I am an Moment Architect...and I always wanted to be an Architect. My mum is proud.
It does what it says on the Tin...
The one thing worse than a teaser campaign is a new pack campaign. If you ever feel like doing a new pack commercial do a teaser campaign instead.
Again brand managers spend too long with their products & start to think that the consumer finds them as fascinating as they do. They don't.
So the foolish brand manager wants to share his new pack news as if they had given birth to triplets. They want a new pack ad to announce their arrival in the world. But packs are supposed to work on their own in the shops to attract the attention of grumpy shoppers. Therefore they don't need a separate campaign. It's a waste of money. Cash that could have been spent on building the brand or even on a promotion.
One day a client will ask us to do a teaser campaign for a new pack... oh, we've done it.
Now you would expect packaging agencies to have particulary groovy websites so I have included Claessens Cartils in the headline link. We worked with them in Uzbekistan on a beer launch. I won't say that they were expensive. But their fee to check our locally designed label could have bought 3+ months of TV. They said our label was fine.
Again brand managers spend too long with their products & start to think that the consumer finds them as fascinating as they do. They don't.
So the foolish brand manager wants to share his new pack news as if they had given birth to triplets. They want a new pack ad to announce their arrival in the world. But packs are supposed to work on their own in the shops to attract the attention of grumpy shoppers. Therefore they don't need a separate campaign. It's a waste of money. Cash that could have been spent on building the brand or even on a promotion.
One day a client will ask us to do a teaser campaign for a new pack... oh, we've done it.
Now you would expect packaging agencies to have particulary groovy websites so I have included Claessens Cartils in the headline link. We worked with them in Uzbekistan on a beer launch. I won't say that they were expensive. But their fee to check our locally designed label could have bought 3+ months of TV. They said our label was fine.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It's here...the Wow Idea...& it's...
...A teaser campaign.
Disappointed aren't you.
So is the consumer every time we do one. Teaser campaigns only work for high interest products like movies. See link in the headline.
They don't work for washing powder. It's just lazy or desperate creative thinking. Clients like them because they confuse their high interest in the product with the consumers potential interest.
Dinosaurs coming back to life is interesting, another blade on a Gillette razor isn't. Gillette...now with 11 blades! It's one louder. Slightly more than the Gillette 10 blade razor for a slightly smoother shave.
But there is something worse than a teaser campaign. And it's coming soon....
Disappointed aren't you.
So is the consumer every time we do one. Teaser campaigns only work for high interest products like movies. See link in the headline.
They don't work for washing powder. It's just lazy or desperate creative thinking. Clients like them because they confuse their high interest in the product with the consumers potential interest.
Dinosaurs coming back to life is interesting, another blade on a Gillette razor isn't. Gillette...now with 11 blades! It's one louder. Slightly more than the Gillette 10 blade razor for a slightly smoother shave.
But there is something worse than a teaser campaign. And it's coming soon....
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Start the Day with a Good Breakfast
Click through for more classic BBC comedy. They really should take advertising though
57 Rules available as a free download
The things I am prepared do to understand new media. I have sacrificed myself at the altar of vanity publishing.
Click the headline for a free download of the new paperback Nobody Knows Anything, the 57 Rules of Media. Or, Stop Spending...Start Thinking.
I got the last piece of advice "Stop Spending, Start Thinking" from President Jean Francois van Boxmeer when he was the head of Zywiec/Heineken in Poland. It was just before he fired Y&R for producing shitty creative work. It wasn't our fault...honest
But he was right though . Our posters were rubbish. He is now the Global Chairman of Heineken Worldwide.
Click the headline for a free download of the new paperback Nobody Knows Anything, the 57 Rules of Media. Or, Stop Spending...Start Thinking.
I got the last piece of advice "Stop Spending, Start Thinking" from President Jean Francois van Boxmeer when he was the head of Zywiec/Heineken in Poland. It was just before he fired Y&R for producing shitty creative work. It wasn't our fault...honest
But he was right though . Our posters were rubbish. He is now the Global Chairman of Heineken Worldwide.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Before I reveal the brilliant media/creative idea I trust you are enjoying the fish on the left.
Insurance company crash data shows that colours are crucial. Red & Yellow are the most visible colours. Boring black cars crash more. White in winter in Russia is practically invisible. That might sound obvious but our bright creatives once made a white poster for white chocolates which went up for in time for Christmas.
So if you are a brainy brand builder your box should be red, or yellow or even both - like Pirelli above. Think about the leading brands in these categories & picture the colour(s) you associate them with; Cigarettes, Chewing Gum, Soft drinks, Toothpaste, Tea, Breakfast cereal, Jeans, Fast Food & Sports Cars. Free copy of "Googled" to whoever can name the brands which fit the above categories - email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com.
Even the most celebrated football team in British history is dressed all in Red. You'll Never Walk Alone.
And in the title of the book by Dr.Suess (rhymes with Voice) the Blue fish comes last. Like Chelsea failing to make progress in the European Cup again last night.
Insurance company crash data shows that colours are crucial. Red & Yellow are the most visible colours. Boring black cars crash more. White in winter in Russia is practically invisible. That might sound obvious but our bright creatives once made a white poster for white chocolates which went up for in time for Christmas.
So if you are a brainy brand builder your box should be red, or yellow or even both - like Pirelli above. Think about the leading brands in these categories & picture the colour(s) you associate them with; Cigarettes, Chewing Gum, Soft drinks, Toothpaste, Tea, Breakfast cereal, Jeans, Fast Food & Sports Cars. Free copy of "Googled" to whoever can name the brands which fit the above categories - email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com.
Even the most celebrated football team in British history is dressed all in Red. You'll Never Walk Alone.
And in the title of the book by Dr.Suess (rhymes with Voice) the Blue fish comes last. Like Chelsea failing to make progress in the European Cup again last night.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Coming Soon....
....a brilliant creative Wow! fantastic amazing idea. While you are waiting click through the Pirelli poster below for one of the greatest ads of all time or enjoy the fish on the left.
If you can't wait email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com & I'll send you a clue.
If you can't wait email me on pgarethbrown@gmail.com & I'll send you a clue.
Creatures of Habit
We all have our routines. How we get up in the morning, how we get to work/school & which media we enjoy.
I heard a great idea at a media conference, & believe me that is a rare expression..."use different media". I'll repeat for emphasis - use different media. Buy Hello magazine, watch daytime tv, listen to a new radio station & perhaps most importantly use public transport to see the posters as consumers see them.
Yesterday using the Moscow Metro I noticed that the posters on the escalators are parallel (see link in the headline) This makes them difficult to read, even made me a bit travel sick. In London they are smaller & in line with your vision & therefore easier. If someone could persuade the Metro to realign the posters they would be more visible & would help sell more products.
So buy a Metro ticket & take a "Student" tour of Moscow- it's only 26 rubles. And read Hello listening to Jazz FM while you are circling the Circle Line
I heard a great idea at a media conference, & believe me that is a rare expression..."use different media". I'll repeat for emphasis - use different media. Buy Hello magazine, watch daytime tv, listen to a new radio station & perhaps most importantly use public transport to see the posters as consumers see them.
Yesterday using the Moscow Metro I noticed that the posters on the escalators are parallel (see link in the headline) This makes them difficult to read, even made me a bit travel sick. In London they are smaller & in line with your vision & therefore easier. If someone could persuade the Metro to realign the posters they would be more visible & would help sell more products.
So buy a Metro ticket & take a "Student" tour of Moscow- it's only 26 rubles. And read Hello listening to Jazz FM while you are circling the Circle Line
Monday, March 8, 2010
A Bridge Too Far
William Goldman also adapted Cornelius Ryan's book - A Bridge Too Far.
It is the true story of one of Britain's more embarrassing military disasters. The plan was too complicated and relied on every element working for it to succeed. Miss one bridge & the operation collapses. Which is what happened at Arnhem.
A friend once told me that his client at Procter was an ex-Marine. He would compare media planning to a battlefield. If the enemy has 100 Ratings a week, we buy 200. If they increase to 200 we go up to 300. You get the picture. It's not pretty but it's pretty successful. Complicated plans can be brilliant but they also have more parts to go wrong. Over the longer term simple plans which keep the enemy (competiton) in mind are the most effective & efficient.
Some plans try to be clever & fail like Operation Market Garden (the Bridge Too Far). But Procter is the Red Army of media. They set a target, Berlin say, and they just keep going straight ahead until they reach the Reichstag.
It is the true story of one of Britain's more embarrassing military disasters. The plan was too complicated and relied on every element working for it to succeed. Miss one bridge & the operation collapses. Which is what happened at Arnhem.
A friend once told me that his client at Procter was an ex-Marine. He would compare media planning to a battlefield. If the enemy has 100 Ratings a week, we buy 200. If they increase to 200 we go up to 300. You get the picture. It's not pretty but it's pretty successful. Complicated plans can be brilliant but they also have more parts to go wrong. Over the longer term simple plans which keep the enemy (competiton) in mind are the most effective & efficient.
Some plans try to be clever & fail like Operation Market Garden (the Bridge Too Far). But Procter is the Red Army of media. They set a target, Berlin say, and they just keep going straight ahead until they reach the Reichstag.
Nobody Knows Anything
William Goldman said "Nobody Knows Anything." He also wrote Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man & the Princess Bride. See the link in the headline for what he meant.
In media, as I hope I have explained, nobody knows anything. What works, what doesn't; long or short commercials; first or last in break; TV or Posters; Print or Radio. I'm not complaining, this lack of a scientific approach has kept me in work for 17 years. Google frightens Media agencies because they are using alogrithms to find the audience. Google is frightened of Facebook. Facebook is scared of Twitter. And somewhere in a garage the next Twitter is being born.
In Media - Nobody Knows Anything
In media, as I hope I have explained, nobody knows anything. What works, what doesn't; long or short commercials; first or last in break; TV or Posters; Print or Radio. I'm not complaining, this lack of a scientific approach has kept me in work for 17 years. Google frightens Media agencies because they are using alogrithms to find the audience. Google is frightened of Facebook. Facebook is scared of Twitter. And somewhere in a garage the next Twitter is being born.
In Media - Nobody Knows Anything
Pitching to Win
We did a 2 day workshop last year which could have been summarised in 3 rules
1. Attract them with knowledge
2. Win on Price
3. Keep them with service
1. Attract them with knowledge
2. Win on Price
3. Keep them with service
It's Shite being Scottish....
"...And all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference" See link in the headline
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Process NOT a Project
3 more rules I have remembered about the communications business.
You should have a 'process not a project". A project is a one off which won't be repeated. It's similar to a great ad but not a brilliant campaign.
But make sure that the process isn't so complex that it kills the passion. 'Proces Kills Passion"
And don't commit the worst offence of 'Paralysis by Analysis'. There is a reason why analysis starts with the word anal. Otherwise your indecision could be final.
You should have a 'process not a project". A project is a one off which won't be repeated. It's similar to a great ad but not a brilliant campaign.
But make sure that the process isn't so complex that it kills the passion. 'Proces Kills Passion"
And don't commit the worst offence of 'Paralysis by Analysis'. There is a reason why analysis starts with the word anal. Otherwise your indecision could be final.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Googled: The End of the World as we know it
If you want a copy of this excellent book on new media please contact me at pgarethbrown@gmail.com. Only 10 quid or 500 rubles
Friday, March 5, 2010
John Webster 1934 - 2006
The Obituary of John Webster in the link above. Written by another advertising genius Winston Fletcher
Washes Whiter - Part 2
Another episode (in the link above) of the wonderful history of homophobia, misogyny & mild racism... or advertising as we sometimes call it. Features the late great John Webster of BMP London - "It's interesting that there are 3 lads as 2 was suspicious... & 4 is too many to get onto a Television screen." Must go & practice my piano playing now so I can get that job in a Brothel I always wanted
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Man Who Walked Around the World
10, 20 or 30 seconds...? Or maybe even a sixty second commercial. Try 6 minutes. A wonderful commercial for Johnnie Walker in the headline link above
Monday, March 1, 2010
Where are the Brands...?
Notice anything strange about the Liverpool shirt on the left...? Or the Brawn racing car...? It's a Naomi Klein fantasy world, there are no logos. Which reminds me of the internet. Lots of fame but no fortune. Millions are googling & using Facebook but they are not seeing brands there.
So is the internet the new Television or the new Telegraph/Telephone...? Like Television, the Telephone was a wonderful Scottish invention... but unlike TV it was never a brilliant tool for brand building.
The headline link leads to the Economist's editorial on the importance of brands
So is the internet the new Television or the new Telegraph/Telephone...? Like Television, the Telephone was a wonderful Scottish invention... but unlike TV it was never a brilliant tool for brand building.
The headline link leads to the Economist's editorial on the importance of brands
The History of Advertising
The link in the headline should lead you to a wonderful documentary on the history of Advertising - if not then the lawyers at the BBC have sent me a "cease & desist" letter
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