Pre internet there was a list of Army evaluations that used to get faxed around for office amusement... my favourites were ‘only swam in the shallow end of the gene pool’ & ... ‘his men would follow him anywhere ... but only out of curiosity’ But the one that I felt most applied to me was ‘works only when cornered like a rat in a trap’
My continued employment at Y&R London was due mainly to the fact that I had a half decent idea once every twelve months. While waiting for this annual event my bosses had to keep me vaguely occupied
They made me attend a weekly traffic meeting. A fascinating insight into the workflow of the agency. They tried getting me to help with the pro bono work ... my contribution wasn’t considered priceless.
I was asked to ruin the special relationship with our American cousins on a bizarre AT&T product launch. A telecoms service so incomprehensible that they would have been better investing their £1 million with the KLF in Scottish pyrotechnics.
I was told to pitch the Bingo association in an exaggerated Glaswegian accent to overcome their Northern mistrust of soft southern agencies. That was a load of balls
I was even dispatched to the cinema one afternoon. To watch a rough cut of Forrest Gump on behalf of our client UiP... Universal Studios & Paramount. Hollywood at last ... well Hammersmith at least
In a final act of desperation they sent me home for the week ... not my wee flat in north London but all the way to Edinburgh
Knowing that my parents resided in the Scottish capital they understood that I could attend the annual TV festival for the price of a delegate pass. Accommodation being the most significant cost involved in business trips & Edinburgh in August rivalling Hong Kong for the rent of a mattress. So attendance that would normally cost thousands for me would only be £500. I forget who paid for the train fare but I enjoyed a week at home; fish fingers for breakfast with Dad ... afternoons with Barry Diller & Michael Grade. Diller couldn’t have been duller. Often described as one of the most powerful people in TinselTown he said little of interest in his MacTaggart lecture
Greg Dyke, notorious for Roland Rat & later to briefly lead the BBC was better. “The problem at Thames TV wasn’t that we didn’t make the right decisions or make wrong decisions... it was that we didn’t make any decisions”
Best of all was Chris Evans of Big Breakfast fame & soon to dominate the airwaves. He was a last minute replacement for Phil Redmond of Brookside/Grange Hill ... literally last minute. I watched some Festival luminaries approach Evans in the bar where we were drinking before the event, the Edinburgh Festivals (Jazz, Book, Film, Fringe etc) are nothing if not well lubricated. Redmond had vanished & they needed a speaker
As Evans had nothing prepared he had to improvise ... & fast. He realised that the best way to fill the allotted hour was to take random questions from the floor. And here was the genius, he said he was open to any enquiry, nothing was sacred. What followed, given the circumstances, was the greatest media presentation I have ever been privileged to witness
He was brutally honest about his successes & failures. He explained his different approach for breakfast radio versus late night TV. He even explained the engineering reasons due broadcast technicalities why a popular urban myth about him couldn’t be true. He hadn’t been caught on camera with his pants down.
He was honest & enlightening ... he was bloody hilarious & surprisingly emotional... & he wasn’t a wanker. It was a masterclass...
The Dillers & Dykes might rent the tent, but without star performers for their media circus it’s just another empty canvas
